haircut ... (me) (face reveal) (Birthday post) (im 20 now)

I had the worst haircut ever so I dyed it. Now i feel CHIC... but its washing out so fast?? 

It's crazy how I've been on the internet for so long, and blogging for longer. I rarely post selfies or videos of my life now, mostly because of insecurity disguised as wanting to be safer on the internet, but child me was on AMINO posting pictures of my tiny 13 year old self with bright blue hair and snapchat filters. 

And if we're gonna be honest, I was on amino before I was 13, too. 

It's two years now of being a Major, with my job hitting its first one -year anniversary and my college life starting to become a new normal. When I was 17, I couldn't even imagine turning 18. On the first minute of my 18th birthday I sobbed because I felt like my life was over. I was still in the worst depression of my life and didn't feel like I ever wanted to live past 18 because I had no more motivation to keep going. 

And then I kept going? I just kept moving forward. I did a year of college and felt the rough burnout from high school still lingering in my memory. I cried during cold nights that reminded me of being 17 and depressed. I still feel the sting of my own mental health randomly when I least expect it... but I keep moving forward. I don't really know how. 

You know the "mom friend override" where your anxiety disappears when someone is with you and more anxious than you? That's kind of how being an adult feels, all the time. I needed to apply for jobs so I just made myself, and when it was time to interview I just kinda forced myself to walk into the building until there was no turning back anymore. I had to call my old job for tax forms so I just pulled up the number and shoved myself into the call so I couldn't chicken out. It's all of this, all the time. If I don't want to work I still have to get up and get ready and enter the building. 

I'm still tired. I always feel like there's no way I'll be able to keep moving forward. I feel like I'm running out of steam but there's no way except forward because quitting is just not an option anymore. It's really exhausting, but I'm still here and the more I push forward the more opportunities I get to experience things I could have never done before. I traveled alone for a week with my boyfriend and had the money to buy food & cover unexpected hotel room costs. I can walk into a restaurant and order food and pay for it. I can buy my own games. Money is great.

Anyways, I'm 20 now! One more year until I'm legally allowed to consume substances I don't plan on consuming. 

And my haircut is chic.