Lifeshit Diary ⋆ 12.08.25

August already. Partway through it, no less, which means I've a lot to do in terms of university application work. I'm hoping that I'm on time with it - I'd hate to squander a good opportunity.

September 17th is only a month and some change away. It's almost frightening how close my birthday is. I will be 23 years old. To speak with perfect candour, I didn't think I would make it this far. It's even a surprise now that I'm still making the conscious effort to stay alive, not to be grim or melodramatic. Just a true, genuine shock.

I imagined, when I was younger, that were I not gone by age 21, that I would have my life put together a lot more clearly. And that was the case for a little while - I had it all. I was out of my parents' home, I was beloved by many, I was good in college, and I had a fiancée. Very tangible things that signal to me that I am "making it" in life.

However, a lot can change in just under a year. Your lover can leave you, you can be placed back in the same abusive household you strove to get away from, your friends can learn to hate you, and your life can become stagnant.

Stagnancy. That's what kills me. That no matter how hard I try to claw out of the pit of my circumstances, it won't change that the walls are oiled. I can't force myself to become employed, I can only *try.* I can't just leave home, I have no support network. I can only hope that my fingernails will give me enough traction to make it out. It's really tiring.

Hopefully by the next time I make a diary post it'll be more cheerful.