i want to be pretty

i constantly feel obese and ugly. insecurity follows me everywhere. being pretty is my only goal. everyday i obsess over what I eat and do. being obsessed with being beautiful is my only hobby. counting calories, running, and practicing my makeup is all i do. I love food but it only takes me a step back from my goal. honestly it doesn't matter what anyone says because I find it so stupid that when I scroll and I get videos of an obviously chopped/obese girls, there's ALWAYS comments saying "girl ur soooo pretty!!💞" or " why is everyone saying shes ugly shes really pretty😭" I hate that. obviously all the stupid responses I get oh beauty is in the eye of the beholder. bullshit. those videos make me cry out of anger. why does some ugly influencer get such lies and I'm just some fucking average joe. no boy has ever confessed to me in my life. I've never gotten any compliments from a boy. just once last year and I couldn't even try to start a relationship because I felt so ugly. he would call me beautiful and I would cry because I thought he was lying to me. I have never believed a single compliment once. I'm in my peak years where I'm supposed to be a beautiful teenage girl like in the movies. but my life just fucking sucks. I have friends, parents, no negative past experiences, a nice home. I feel so dramatic because I know theres so many people doing so much worst than me and I have to suffocate with pointless none existing problems. I hate food. I hate my body.