life is hard

i've been thinking a lot recently, primarily about my future and who i am. due to certain issues of mine, it's hard for me to remember things about myself as well as remember events and things i've done. i've been working on myself a lot, and i've become so much better than who i was before, and i'm proud of myself for that. i'm not going to stop now, i've still been working on myself and whatnot-- but i mean, is it worth it? life is so jumbled up, it's hard to really be happy about a lot of things that happen to me or a lot of things i do. i'm fully aware that i'm talented, smart in certain subjects, and good towards others. however, i find it hard to accept that within myself. it doesn't feel real, especially not now while i'm still not the person i want to be. one day i want to look into the mirror and really know that's me. one day i want to feel my bedsheets and know it's mine. one day i want to go into a house of my own and think "i've done it". i know this is a shitty rant and came out of nowhere, but genuinely just taking time to myself and not being active on social medias (other than communicating with my friends) has changed my way of thought, action, and feeling. i'd like to believe it affected me in a good way, considering i've not been as depressed as i was before. other than that, a primary subject in my life has been love and relationships. ever since my last post here, i've decided to go by the label "gay" mainly because i cannot see myself married to a woman in the future, and though i do love women i do not want to give them false hope. i've also decided to put in some rules with dating (know them for some time + make sure they're a good person + see them in my future, etc.). and within this i've found myself in a bit of an issue. i clicked with someone recently near-immediately and feel this... stereotypical nervousness around him. but i feel like i have to know him more before i even try to make a move, not to mention there are some things conflicting me to think of him in such light-- and yet i cannot find myself to get rid of this crush like i usually do since i'm too much of a pussy to ask anyone out (at least now, before i'd do it whenever i thought of it)... he seems perfect for me, both in and out, but due to my rules and me still working on myself, i feel like now would be a bad time to get in a relationship. i absolutely have the time and love in my heart to get in one, but what if i change too much? what if i'm not who they want anymore mid-relationship? i don't want to ruin my progress over my stupid feelings about another. i don't want to be heartbroken whilst i'm so fragile, but i also want to listen to my heart. i think he feels the same way about me, i don't know. i think i'm just going to wait. i'm going to know him for more time, and i'm going to probably wait for him to make a move rather than me. i'm too nervous to be rejected.

oh, and if you're wondering, i know that i've been successfully becoming a better person because 1. i get told that i'm better now and i know i'm not as stubborn/mean anymore and 2. people seem to be really into me as of recent... LMAO like more than before... lowk not an attention seeking whore anymore tho so. if it were me in the past tho i'd def be dating someone rn... but nah i'm single 👅👅👅

anyway have a nice day blegh