(Hint, HE'S BOTH!)

We all know him. The beloved web-slinging hero of our great city, the Big Apple. Many think he's a hero, doing what the police and many others can't or fail to do. Most love him, very few hate him. We at the Bugle try to be a non-biased news organization, unlike many other fake news programs.

We at the bugle aim to publish the truth, and nothing but the truth. Our Editor in Chief of the Daily Bugle himself, J. Jonah Jameson, the brilliant, the handsome, the most charismatic news anchor in all of New York City, will now give you said truth, in his own words.

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"You wanna know the truth about the web-slinger? Here it is: He's a MENACE! He's playing everyone for fools! Like a fiddle! They think he's a hero? I say he's a criminal! A psycho hiding behind a mask, who people trust blindly like he's some kind of... RED AND BLUE POLITICIAN! And we all know that politicians are rarely reliable."

"You wanna know the TRUTH? Spider-Man is not a hero. He's a vigilante! One who frequently BREAKS THE LAW! And if he can break the law, then everyone can, right? WRONG! Think of what impression this gives to our children! Letting them look up to a criminal who teaches them what exactly? That breaking laws is cool if you're in a flashy costume made of spandex? No! Spider-Man causes more harm than good, and that's fact! How much collateral damage does Spider-Man cause in his little fights? Tons! How much has the city spent cleaning the aftermath of HIS messes? TONS!"

"Lets take one of his more RECENT heroics for example! Where he supposedly saved a train and its passengers after it was derailed. Heroic, right? But you know what I think? He orchestrated that himself! He derailed the train on PURPOSE so he could come in and play HERO! Or that time he saved a kitten from a tree? He put it IN THAT TREE! The old lady he helped cross the road? SHE WAS AN ALIEN IN DISGUISE, LOOKING TO DEVOUR OUR CHILDREN! HELL, HE LIKELY WORKS WITH ALL HIS SUPERVILLAINS TOO! How else can you explain their sudden appearance after HIS?"

The following is from a caller towards the end of the episode, where J.J. Jameson lets one of our loyal subscribers (premium subscriptions starting at just $79.99!) who had a terrible experience with the web-slinger explain:

"Are these truly the actions of a hero? NO! Because Spider-Man is NOT A HERO! He's an egotistical maniac who only cares about himself and his image! Does he ever take anything into consideration?! He treats the city like his own personal playground, and your property as his toys! He enjoys the fame! The mystery! He refuses to reveal his identity so he doesn't face the consequences to his actions! Is that the action of a true hero? Or the actions of someone who knows he's in the wrong?"

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Coming up next, man sues the Avengers after the Hulk quote-unquote, "smashed my favorite vase," after smashing through his apartment complex.