on the subject of forever

hi, everypony. it's been a long time since i've posted a blog. i thought i might want to do this more often — apologies if i start to flood my page with super duper long ones every now and then. and if i don't do that, then i guess that apology will make me look silly ... xP

if i had to choose a topic it would be that lately i've really been mulling over my relationship with my partner system. in a lot of ways (mostly good, though). 

i started dating eddie over 3 years ago. we were both teenagers then, and he wasn't the host of the system at the time. we were both going through quite the tough lives, too. i was a bit aloof on our relationship although i wanted very badly for it to last. i wasn't the hopeful type. i really only saw negativity in my future; even if i wished so badly for happiness, if my life was always going to be negative, that meant i couldn't have what i wanted — including a "happily ever after" with the motherboard. i'd just have to accept my fate.

over 3 years later and ... jesus, it is way, way, way better than i could have ever expected. i mean, living with them? already? i thought it might take 5-10 years. they lived across the country. and yet it only took ... maybe 2 and a half.

i guess that i just am surprised. i thought it would drag on, slowly. that i would live every day like i had for the past 5 years. but every day grew closer into life becoming something completely different. i never imagined truly and honestly devoting myself to a person (and especially multiple people!) the way i have with the motherboard, and feeling that love back. i always imagined dating and marriage would be ... staler than it really is. flatter.

i feel so very human around them. even on the most depressed and painful days of my life i have people who care for and love me sitting skin-to-skin. my best friends, my lovers, my family ...

i feel lucky. and i guess the part i've been really focused on is fear it won't last. it's normal to be afraid good things will end, i know, but i'm absolutely terrified that one day we just won't love each other anymore. in ten days, ten months, ten years — they, or god forbid i, might wake up and realize ... "I don't love him anymore." maybe a fight we can't heal from. maybe secrets we shouldn't have kept. something... something...

well. i guess we are all afraid of repeating our parent's mistakes.

tl;dr i talk about how much i liiiiiiiiiike my partner <3 while they're snoring beside me