I HATE MY LIFE I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT

MY LIFE IS FALLING APART ALL MY POSSESSIONS ARE GONE EXCEPT FOR MY MILITARY HAT.

I FUCKING LOVE THAT HAT. IT WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD ON ME BESIDES TWO BACKPACKS.

TWO BACKPACKS WITH MY DIARY, ART TABLET, NOTEBOOKS, MY 3DS, OTHER SHIT.

MY FAVORITE KNIFE IS GONE AND I DONT FUCKING FEEL SAFE ANYMORE BECAUSE I DONT EVEN HAVE THE FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY THAT KNIFE WOULDVE GIVEN ME. I FUCKING LOVED THAT KNIFE TOO

 I HAVE NOTHING AND NO ONE BECAUSE ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS COMMITTED ACCOUNT SUICIDE I HAVE NOTHING

ALL MY ARCHIVES OF MY LIFE UP TO THIS MOMENT ARE GONE. MY CAMERA. MY USB BACKUP WITH MY 3DS CAMERA BACKUP.

IM FUCKING FUCKED MY LIFE IS FUCKED AND I DONT KNOW HOW IM EVER GONNA GET MY SHIT TOGETHER OR FEEL LOVED OR MEET PEOPLE THAT AREN'T BEHIND A SCREEN OR COME OUT TO MY PARENTS IM FUCKING FUCKING FUCKED I CANT FUCKING TAKE THIS

MY HOME WAS RUINED YEARS AGO AND EVERYTHING SINCE THEN IS JUST A FUCKING HOUSE NOT A FUCKING HOME I HAVE NOTHING I HAVE NOTHING I HAVE NOTHIIINGGGGG IM JUST AN UGLY LITTE NASTY FUCKIN VESSEL FOR WHO I REALLY AM INSIDE AND I HAVE NOTHING FUCKING ELSE TO SHOW WHO I AM NOW ITS GONE ITS GONE ITS ALL FUCKING GONEEE ITS GONEE

ALL I WANT IS TO BE LOVED AND I WANT MY FREEDOM AND I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT, I WANT SO FUCKING MUCH I WANT SO MUCH AND I CANT FUCKING HAVE IT I NEED TO FUCKING GIVE UP HALF THE SHIT THAT MADE ME HAPPY, I NEED TO GIVE UP HALF THE SHIT THAT I KEPT PINNED TO MY FUCKING HEART IM FUCKING BLEEDING IM FUCKING GUSHING INSIDE IM FUCKING BLEEDNG INSIDE I CANT FUCKING DO THIS AND NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ME AND THE TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME THEYLL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND THEYLL NEVER BERVER NEVER NVEEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER UNDERSTAND ME I COULD TALK FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR WITHOUT STOPPING TO BREATHE AND THEY STILL WOULDNT UNDERSTAND IT

YET THEY WONDER WHY I REACH OUT AWAY FROM THEM FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE AND CONFIDE IN AND CONFESS THINGS TO THEY WONDER WHY I SHIELD MY HEART FROM THEM AND OPEN IT TO OTHERS, THEY WONDER THEY WONDER THEY STILL FUCKING WONDER WHYYYYYY BUT THEY;L; NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAMDY WWHYYYYYY I WANT TO FUCKING CRY BUT I CANT

I WANNA FUCKING CRY BUT I HAVENT ACTUALLY CRIED IN YEARS

SHED A FEW TEARS LEFT N RIGHT SURE BUT I HAVENT BAWLED MY FUCKING LUNGS OUT SINCE I WAS A SCARED LITTLE KID AND I FUCKING HATE IT. I WONT BE ABLE TO CRY WHEN SOMETHING SERIOUS HAPPENS AND ITS ALL THEIR FAULT BUT ILL FEEL LIKE ITS MY FAULT ANYWAYS FUFUUUCCKCCKKKKK

you know i cant actually remember it but i read something alluding to a mental breakdown or something idk i cant remember what it was but the key words were "taking a shower fully clothed"

I WANT TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW THATS FUCKING ME THAT SME THATS ME THATS ME THATS ME

I CANT FUCKING DO THIS I GOT SO FUCKING CLOSE TO LOSING MY SHIT WEEKS AGO AND IM SO FUCKING GRATEFUL THAT I DIDNT SNAP AND FUCKING YELL AND SCREAM AND CRY BUT ITS STILL SO CLOSE ANYWAYS, EVERY TIME I HEAR MY PARENTS GET PISSED AT SOMEONE ELSE, NOT EVEN ME, I STILL FEEL THAT FUCKING BLOB OF PURE RED AND BLACK FUCKING MESS DYING TO SHOOT OUT OF ME AND DESTROY EVERYTHING AROUND ME UNTIL IT'S FINALLY RELIEVED AND ALL THE TENSION AND HATE AND RAGE AND CONFUSION AND TEARS AND ABSTRACT BALLED UP STRESS IS FINALLY FUCKING GONE

I NEED TO LET IT OUT BUT IM GONNA HAVE TO FUCKING HURT SOMEONE IN ORDER TO DO IT AND ITS GONNA FUCKING HURT ME TOO

THIS ISNT MY FUCKING HOME AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IS ANYMORE ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WAS HAPPY BACK THEN, I KEEP FUCKING THINKING I WAS HAPPY LAST MONTH, NO, I WASNT, I KEEP THINKING I WAS HAPPY LAST MONTH, MONTH BEFORE THAT AND BEFORE THAT AND BEFORE THAT, I KEEP THINKING I WAS HAPPY LAST YEAR, NO, THE YEAR BEFORE THAT, STILL NO

THE LAST FUCKING TIME I WAS HAPPY WAS WHEN I HAD HALF A BRAIN, NO MONEY, JUST ME AND MY FUCKING TOYS AND CARTOONS AND MY LITTLE PONY DVDS AND ALL THAT STUPID FUCKING SHIT AND IT STILL MADE ME HAPPIER THAN ANYTHING ELSE EVER COULD OR EVER WILL UNTIL I AM FUCKING FREE FINALLY AND CAN BE HAPPY JUST LIKE I WAS BACK THEN

WHY DOES EVERYTHING FUCKING HURT I CANT STAND THIS I CANT STAND IT

I WANT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO SHUT THE FUCK UP I CANT TAKE THE NOISE I CANT TAKE THEIR VOICES I CANT STAND THE SCREAMING AND YELLING AND CRYING JUST LIKE I WAS A LITTLE FUCKING KID I WANNA SHUT THE WHOLE WORLD UP AND TURN OFF ALL THE LIGHTS AND LEAVE ONLY MY FRIENDS SO WE CAN BE TOGETHER IN OUR OWN BRAVE NEW WORLD BUT THATS FUCKING BULLSHIT BECAUSE IM NOT A GOD, IM NOT NOTHING IM FUCKING POWERLESS JUST LIKE THAT SAME SCARED LITTLE KID THAT I WAS SO FUCKIN INNOCENT AND SCARED AND CONFUSED I CANT FUCKING TAKE THIS I WANNA CRY I WANNA SCREAM I JUST WANNA GO BACK I WANNA GO AWAY I WANNA FUCKING RUN AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE ANYWHERE ELSE I WANNA GO SOMEWHERE ILL BE LOVED AND UNDERSTOOD AND JUST FUCKING.

FUCK.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS SO FUCKING COLD N GNARLY INSIDE LIKE A BLACK HOLE, LIKE FUCKIN TAR AND BARBED WIRE INSIDE BUT THATS IT THATS MY GUTS AND MY HEART, THATS WHAT IT FUCKING FEELS LIKE INSIDE, YOU TAKE A KNIFE AND CUT ME OPEN AND ITS GONNA BE BARBED WIRE AND CABLES AND STUFFED ANIMALS ITS NOT GONNA BE BLOOD AND GUTS ITS GONNA BE MEMORIES ITS ALL GONNA BE PIECES OF ME BUT NOT WITH THE PHYSICALITY AND ANATOMY OF A HUMAN BEING, YOU RIP ME OPEN AND ITS JUST GONNA BE A BUNCH OF FUCKING MOODBOARDS OF ALL MY CHILDHOOD DREAMS AND LOVES AND WANTS AND LIKES, YOU TEAR ME OPEN AND ITS JUST FUCKING MY LITTLE PONY, FNAF, CREEPYPASTAS, SPLATOON, YOU TEAR ME OPEN LIKE THE PATHETIC FUCKING ANIMAL I AM AND ALL YOURE GONNA FCKING FIND IN THERE IS A BUNCH OF TOYS AND ELECTRONICS COVERED IN PLAYDOH AND GUESS GIRL PERFUME AND SLIME AND LEGOS ALL WRAPPED UP IN BARBED WIRE AND A DIRTY GREASY GARBAGE BAG

YOU EMPTY ME OF MY ESSENCE AND ALL YOURE GONNA SEE IS THE POSSESSIONS I ONCE OWNED AND THE HOUSE I USED TO LIVE IN

YOU BREAK ME AND STRIP ME DOWN INTO A HUMAN BEING AND THEN WHAT

NOTHIN YOU GOT FUCKIN NOTHING IM NOT A PERSON IM NOT A HUMAN BEING IM JUST A FUCKING CREATURE HANGING ON TO MEMORIES THAT ARE FUCKING DEAD BECAUSE I HAVE LITERALLY NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME BESIDES COMBING THROUGH MY BRAIN FOR SOME SEMBLANCE OF HAPPINESS THATS JUST ROSE TINTED GLASSES OF NOSTALGIA

YOU TAKE AWAY THOSE GLASSES AND SHATTER EM YOU GOT NOTHING LEFT YOU SHATTER THOSE FUCKING GLASSES AND I FUCKING DIE BECAUSE THATS ALL I AM INSIDE

I WANNA BLAME SOMEONE ELSE ANYONE ELSE BUT I CANT

YOU LOOK AT ME AND YOU SEE A PERSON, YOU SEE A PERSON YOU SEE A HUMAN BEING STANDING ON TWO FEET JUST LIKE YOU RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT

NO

YOURE WRONG

I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I CANT FUCKING STAND LOOKING AT IT I CANT STAND TO LOOK FOR A SECOND, I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I SEE UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY BITCH WITH FUCKED UP BRAINS RUINED BY MYSELF AND MYSELF ALONE IM THE ONLY PERSON TO BLAME FOR THIS AND THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNING AND IT KEEPS FUCKING ME OVER

I JUST WANT TO GO HOME

THATS ALL I EVER WANT IS TO GO HOME

ITS ALL I FUCKING WANT I WANT TO GO HOME AND I WANT TO TAKE MY FRIENDS HOME WITH ME

I WANNA TAKE MY FRIENDS HOME I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO LOVES ME SO I CAN GO HOME AND IN THE MORNING AND AT NIGHT I CAN LOOK AT THEM ALL AND GO YOURE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINEEE AND KNOW THAT WHEN I WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY ITS ALL REAL AND PERMANENT AND FOREVER AND EVERYTHING REALLY HAPPENED

NOTHING IS FOREVER NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN FOREVER FOR ME

NOTHING BUT MY PRECIOUS FUCKING TOYS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE

THEY NEVER YELLED AT ME THEY NEVER YELLED AT EACH OTHER THEY NEVER THREATENED TO LEAVE THEY NEVER TRIED TO KILL THEMSELVES THEY JUST FUCKING SMILED AT ME AND DIDNT SAY A PEEP WHILE I PLAYED WITH THEM

JUST LIKE ALWAYS

JUST LIKE ITS SUPPOSED TO BE

IM SO FUCKING HAPPY I STILL HAVE MY 3DS. MY 3DS IS A BETTER REFLECTION OF MYSELF THAN ANY MIRROR OR CAMERA EVER WAS.

ITS A REFLECTION OF WHATS INSIDE NOW AND WHAT USED TO BE INSIDE TOO.

IM FUCKING BROKEN BUT IM STILL SO HAPPY THAT I HAVE MY 3DS.

CAMERAS AND MIRRORS LIE BUT MY 3DS NEVER LIED TO ME.

IT JUST STAYED IN MY HANDS EVERY DAY UP TO NOW, IT STAYED IN MY HANDS WHEN GOOD SHIT HAPPENED, IT STAYED IN MY HANDS WHEN THE WORST SHIT HAPPENED, WHEN THE REST OF THE WORLD KEPT SPINNING AND MOVING ON WITHOUT ME, IT STAYED IN MY HANDS AND ANYTHING THAT CAN STAY IN MY HANDS FOR 11 YEARS CAN FUCKING STAY WITH ME FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER BECAUSE AT LEAST ITLL BE THERE FOREVER

ITS THE ONLY FOREVER I GOT AND ITS ALL THE FOREVER ILL FUCKING TAKE WITH ME

MUSIC, SCREENS, PIXELS

THOSE ARE MY FOREVER YET THEY ACT LIKE IM SO FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD FOR SEEING IT LIKE THIS

THEYRE MY FOREVER

THEYRE MY FOREVER AND ITS MINE AND I LIKE IT CUZ ITS MINE CUZ NOTHING IS EVER MINEEE

I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING THATS MINEEEEE BECAUSE IVE NEVER HAD CONTROL OVER FUCK IN MY LIFE, I WANT SO BADLY SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER FUCK UP, SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER GO WRONG AND GUESS WHAT

THATS MY FOREVER

LISTENING TO MUSIC UNTIL MY EARS RING, I FUCKING LOVE IT EVEN IF I FEEL OVERSTIMULATED FROM IT. I LOVE IT CUZ ITS MINE AND I CAN CONTROL IT TO MY FUCKING WHIM, ITS MINEEE

STARING AT SCREENS TILL MY EYES BURN UNTIL AFTER I GET SOME SLEEP, I LOVE IT BECAUSE THE WORLD IS UGLY AND FUCKING BORING AND CRUEL BUT THE LITTLE LINES OF TEXT I CALL MY FRIENDS, THEYRE NOT CRUEL TO ME AND THEYRE MINEEE

PLAYING VIDEO GAMES UNTIL MY EYES HURT AND MY FINGERS ARE NUMB, I LOVE IT BECAUSE EVEN IF I FUCK UP I CAN ALWAYS GO BACK AND FUCKING FIX IT AND I CAN CONTROL IT AND ITS MMMMIIIIINNNNEEEEE ITS MINEEEEEE

I DONT FUCKING CARE ANYMORE I CANT FUCKING CARE I CAN NEVER CARE JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME, I CANT FUCKING CARE OUTWARDLY BUT I CARE EVERY SINGLE BIT INSIDE EVEN IF I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO FEEL

I NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW ANYTHING IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MAKING CERTAIN FACES OR VOICE TONES CAN FUCK SHIT UP SO BAD AND YOU ACT LIKE ITS MY FUCKING FAULT BECAUSE YOU WANNA BE THE FUCKING EMOTION POLICE WHEN ALL IM TRYING TO DO IS TO FUCKING BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT EMOTIONS EVEN FUCKING ARE

WHAT THE FUCK ARE EMOTIONS AND WHY DO I EVEN HAVE THEM IF THEY DONT EVEN FEEL REAL

NOTHING FEELS REAL AND NOTHING HAS FELT REAL SINCE 2015-2017

EVERY EMOTION I FEEL IS JUST A WATERED DOWN CARICATURE OF THE CORRECT EMOTIONAL RESPONSE BECAUSE IM FUCKING BROKEN

IM A BROKEN MIRROR OF A HUMAN BEING, I REFLECT EVERYTHING THAT I TAKE IN AROUND ME AND NEVER MYSELF AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT SURE IS BETTER THAN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHO I AM

I DONT WANNA BE ME I DONT WANNA BE THIS I JUST WANNA BE STRONG LIKE EVERYONE I SEE IN MY FAVORITE MOVIES, I WANNA BE MY MEMORIES AND I WANNA BE THE STRONG HOT BADASS THAT ALWAYS SAVES PEOPLE FROM BURNING BUILDINGS AND SHIT SO I CAN SAVE MY OWN FUCKING SELF WITHOUT ANYONE ELSE'S HELP BECAUSE I DON'T WANT IT

I COULD NEVER HAVE BEEN HIM WHEN I WAS LITTLE BUT I SURE AS FUCK CAN BE HIM NOW CANT I

FUCKING CANT I

SHE WAS SO SCARED INSIDE BUT IM GONNA FUCKING SCOOP HER UP IN MY ARMS AND TAKE HER AWAY AND PUT HER SOMEWHERE SAFE SO SHE STOPS PRICKING AT MY FUCKING HEART

I CANT STAND BEING HER

I DONT LIKE BEING HER

I DONT LIKE SPENDING EVERY WAKING MOMENT LIVING IN HER BODY

I DO NOT WANT THIS

I WAS FINE WITH IT THEN BUT IM NOT NOW

SHE AND I ARE NO LONGER THE SAME FUCKING PERSON

SHE WAS HER BUT NOW I'M ME AND I'M HIM

I'M HIM NOW DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME

DO YOU

BECAUSE EVEN IF I TELL YOU WHO I AM YOURE GONNA INSIST THAT IM HER

YOU LOOK AT WHO IVE BECOME AND YOURE JUST GONNA SEE HER AND THATS ALL YOULL EVER FUCKING SEE UNTIL I DIE

YOULL NEVER SEE ME YOULL NEVER SEE HIM YOULL JUST SEE HER THATS ALL YOULL EVER SEE

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