Memento Mori - Crywank

This song has been in my mind for a while now. First listened to it around 2018-2020 and pinned it in my mind even if I was a clueless child to its deep meaning. Around 2021 (yes pandemic time) I fell into a deep depressive episode(? (it lasted like 3 years but whatever depression always hit in waves even back as a young kid)) and this song resurfaced in my mind and I just searched the title on youtube and somehow it was the first result. That time felt like the first time I've ever listened to it. I was hit full on like a deer in headlights and my eyes watered instantly. Sadness just came over me like a fucking tsunami and I hadn't yet learned how to swim -  I hadn't learned how to survive with my differences. I was happy a bit from the news of the pandemic; I was staying inside anyway, friends I barely had, school has always been particularly hard on the social side, but during the lockdown I fell behind academically as well. In primary school everyone told me i was violent. No one bothered to ask my side of the story even if i went to therapy since age 7. No one bothered to check in on me when i returned from school or late at night to stay and hear my constant cries.  (actually there wasn't anyone to check on me I always came back to the house empty) I never picked a fight. They came at me ready for one and picked on me still acted surprised when I fought back in self defense. I couldn't do the same at home. I couldn't fight my mom or my dad for all the shit they did to me and put me through, but oh I could very easily fight the ones who dared to pick on me at school because we were young and I could get away with it. They had no match against my pure rage at the world - their new cool clothes, their cool backpacks, their nice homes with nice parents and childness only taught them to ostracize me and people alike. They weren't born into the world I was born into and it showed. So, I was alone. Lonely I still am; the feeling lingers in my bone marrow. So in 2021 when this song found me again I felt so weak, lost and hopeless. It might've just been the trigger I needed to realize my whole life won't feel any different than what I lived already. So I learned to mask everything and hide from everyone and pretend to be oh so funny and always cheerful when it happened to be around others. I first thought about death at age 7 by age 10 I was pondering my own death and by age 13 I fantasized of my own death and sometimes I still do when I am not distracted. Now I'm learning how to love. How can I love with death in my mind? Do I stop my thinking like I happen to do and bury every feeling until I explode or do I hug death so tightly you could say I'm loving it out of me? I no longer see death with such sadness as I once did. I'd say that is quite a childish way to perceive it. Now death is tender, death is a lover or perhaps a mother figure of sorts. Death will take care of me and will carry me to my sweet final sleep. We will dance, we will drink, then, one peck to a kiss on her cold purple lips will lead me in her sweet embrace. She will lay her frozen hands on my burning chest as I will take her clothes off and she rips mine; throw them to the maggots eager to eat but forced to wait. The burning forest inside me extinguished to a candle flame. Both our mortal vessels will intertwine with most pleasure a body, flesh and bones, will ever feel during it's sole purpose - give form to a soul. Such intensity of emotion and feel and pleasure will traverse straight to my core. I will be exhausted. A feeling all too familiar to me. "Our time is up" Death will say in her cold and distant voice - just a memory. "Five more minutes, please" I will beg as I will close my eyes for one final time. I will miss everything and everyone, but I will still like to linger a bit more in Death's arms as she drags me to the ground and I hear people weep, yet I won't turn around. One more glance might convince me to stay. I'm no longer scared as I once was. Devastating news for the one I love.

"Maybe I'm still a stupid, little boy, too weak to understand what will come."