ran away kindaa

I have been bottling this up inside me for like months. Now I have decided I wanted to drop one of my life lore kinda.. Just an experience, okay..bout how I ran away from home. I wouldn't actually call it a "runaway" bcz HAHAHHAAHAHA I brought like 70 percent of my stuff to my friend's. 

First, let me introduce you to STPM. STPM stands for Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (in English, Malaysia Higher School Certificate), is a pre-university program in Malaysia. We basically have 3 semesters but the for the first two semesters, students are allowed to resit the exams if they are unsatisfied with the results. However, for the third semester, students can only take it once, no repeats whatsoever. Repeat 1, Repeat 2, and 3rd semester are all held at the same time kinda, like students only have few days gap between these three exams.

A few weeks before the exams, I got into a fight with my dad. It was actually a small matter but due to his reaction, I decided well I'm not staying here any longer bcz why are you defending your wife(not my mom) whose clearly in the fault instead of me, your daughter? That was my last straw, I refused to be the black sheep again for gods sake (not the first time this happened, like I know I wasn't his favourite but that doesn't mean he can put all the blame on me) Not to mention he's hot tempered and he only hits me bcz I'm the smallest and the youngest in the family. So he will justified his actions by those facts and saying yeah kids need to get beaten up to learn their lesson.

He got mad at me, he started raising his voice but the crazy part is.. at that moment, I realised, I no longer fear him. Usually when he raised his voice, that means the beating comes next. But, on that day, when he raised his voice, I don't shed a tear, I don't feel a thing. I just looked at him straight in the eyes and do nothing. I guess that's when he knew I don't need him in my life anymore (he's actually present in my life but HE DOES NOT GIVE A SINGLE FLYING FUCK ABOUT HIS CHILDREN!!!) Mind you, after my oldest sister turn 18, FRESHLY 18, he abandoned four of his children to live with his other family. Actually this blog is about my experience of running away from home but I feel so much rage when I remember about my dad and he did to me and my siblings. And the freaking audacity of him to be ashamed of us, like brooooo you are the reason why we were like this. 

UGHHHH I JUST HATE HIM SOO MUCHHHH!!!

Before I got sidetracked again, let me umm continue hehe.. So after the whole fight thingy, I called my friend to ask her if I can stay there for a few days, maybe even weeks I told her. I told her I got into a fight with my dad and how I can't focus studying. Oh yeah, basically my dad and his wife doesn't get along, so every time they were in the house they were always bickering to the point where I have to put my earphones deep into my ears to avoid hearing them. (she doesn't like being in the house however my dad insisted to stay due to tradition, kinda superstition thingy, well if not that they will argue bout something else, literally there's not been a single day where they stayed and not bickering for once. It's literally so annoying bcz their voices are so loud and it has been going on for years. I couldn't even find peace in my own home) 

For me personally, I can't focus studying if my environment is noisy and loud. So I thought going to my friend's will help a little. The next day after the fight I told her to come pick me up, she brought some of her cousins to help me carry out my stuff (shii it was basically me moving out for temporary). The first night spent with me organising my stuff at her home.

The next morning, I was told her little cousin (the one she's close the most) has passed away... I don't know the girl personally so it doesn't affect me that much but I still felt sad hearing the news. I was kinda uneasy bcz I just moved there and then it happened. I'm not trying make it about me but I felt like I bring bad luck. The first few days was spent with sorrows in her house. She kept on crying every time she looked at her phone gallery that contains tons of her memories with her late cousin. I felt so bad bcz I couldn't do much to help her. I could only comfort her with words of reassurance and strokes in the back to help her calm down every time she broke down.

Five days after that, my siblings group chat blew up over the news of my uncle's death. The one uncle who treated us like his children. He's more of a father figure than my own dad. He even considered to adopt me when I was still a kid bcz he knew my dad couldn't properly provide for us all. It was so heartbreaking to me. What's worse is I didn't attend his funeral. It was my fault. I should've go when I have the chance to. But I was so determined to cut ties with my dad to the point I... I refused to bid my last farewell to my uncle. I am so sorryyy, I wasn't meant to do that... So much things going on at that time, I couldn't think clear enough. 

The pressure of the upcoming exams, two deaths in the span of a week. My mental health was at the lowest at that time. Plus, I had a boyfriend during all that. Yeah and he's not helping at all. Thank god we broke up. 

The news of me running away finally got to my mommy. She sent me some voice notes. :(((( My own mommy... In the first voice note she told me something I never expect to hear it from her. Although we have been separated for years, I never thought there will be a day where she would say that to me :(((. She's comforting me in the voice note, but.. :(((( In the voice note, she said "bapamu pukul kau lagi ka nak? sini la kau tinggal dengan makcik" which translate to "did ur dad hit u again? come here and live with auntie". :((( How could she... out of all people, she addresed herself as "aunt" instead of "mommy" fully knowing that my siblings and I called her that. Am I no longer her daughter? I know she only got to hold me for the first three years of my life and I know she got other kids with her husband but that doesn't mean I'm not her daughter :(( My heart was broken upon hearing that voice note, I refused to reply to it. Not even a single word was sent. I left it open and try to forget about it, which I clearly didn't. 

Two weeks after my uncle's funeral, my friend got a news of her brother. Her mom was called in the middle of the night by her brother's colleague to inform her about her son who just got into an accident. Her brother lives in another district far from us, so just imagine the terror they both felt knowing there's nobody there to accompany her brother during that time. They weren't fully healed from the passing of her cousin yet. This time, her mom couldn't contained her tears and broke down infront of us. 

Once again, I couldn't do much bout it. I can only help comforting both of them. I couldn't help them financially because I was still studying at that time. We spent the night dicussing their plans and they both decided to move out and live with her brother and left me with her cousins. 

I was fine with it. It's just that I felt like a burden to them. We weren't blood related. We were close bcz my friend and I used to be classmates back in primary school years ago. But that's just it is folks, we weren't related yet they are there for me when I'm at my lowest when I have no one to turn to. Their kindness has somehow changed me a bit. By how they treated me when I was staying there with them, and most importantly, how they treated their cousins (most of them are still kids), they taught me that you can take care of children without violence. As someone who lived in an abusive house with my mom's side of family, and yknow , my dad obviously the hot tempered guy.. it was such a weird feeling knowing there's a house full of kids who get to live and act like a kid without getting yelled at or bet up for acting their age. There is so much light in their home although their house is tiny, it was never a dull moment in their house, always filled with laughter and joy although they are going through grief of their beloved cousin. 

After I took all my exams, I went home. I have to went home bcz my sisters were threatening to lodge a police report of me going missing and trying to put the blame on my boyfriend who was totally innocent on my case like tf? During my time running away, only my brother gets me bcz he also ran away from home before, so he knows what it feels like. He help me financially and make sure I have enough money to eat and survive. On the other hand, both my sisters blew up my phone even when I was taking my exams, ughh they were so insufferable. Anyways, I finally went home and it was even harder than at my friend's. No food at home. Nothing. Just me stay locked in my messy room and hope for the best. 

I clean my room after like two months. Cuz... IDK I just can't even think straight during that time. But I am glad that I am getting better. BTW, my dad officially left us two weeks after I moved back. Now it has been like four months since I last saw him, it's not like I saw him everyday before. Fact is, for years after he got married since 2016, he only went home every Thursday to umm.. do some this so called tradition of my ethnicity. Idk what it's called it's like a ritual and he has to be present while doing it. 

Anyways, who tf actually read this shit right. so lemme sign off rq.

much love,

nanai

⠀⠀ ⠀  ⠀:¨ ·.· ¨:

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ `· . 𐙚