Am I a boy? Am I a girl? Huh.. good question: a little ramble

Little context: I've always seen myself as some shape of genderqueer. Never felt comfy labelling myself as woman. Something about the words and the pronouns didn't feel like.. Very Miru, y'know? I've identified as ftm trans, genderfluid, nonbinary.. But never woman!

But, with my biggest goal of 2025 being learning who I am a little better, this is a pretty fun question to think about! 

For a hot while now, I've presented myself rather femininely, but like, in a Miru type of way! Sure, I got the little cute string tops, but you bet I also got the cool tomboyish shoes to match! 

I have a lot of female role models in my life that inspire me to be more confident in my presentation of myself, which is sick! Despite this though, again, never felt super in-tune with the woman label. 

It can be hard for people in my surrounding circle to understand cause, like, woman = woman things, right guys??? I dunno, I see where they're coming from, but then again.. It's just not it! How does that even make sense?! Brains are cool, but funny! 

Fast forward to a show I watched recently: the Youtube series recently Prime premiered show, Murder Drones! 

If I had that when I was a little edgy teen.. Ugh, I'm getting teary eyed ヽ(´▽`,)/

But a certain main male character (alphabet member, N) just mixed my brain all into scrambled eggs! What the heck! 

Suddenly I'm itching to cut my hair short again, pull out my best non-feminine fit and be a golden retriever little man! 

Y'know, I'm often thinking to myself, whenever I find a cute character: Do I like them or do I want to BE them? And as a nonbinary person who also is pansexual, oh boy, it's a tough one lol.. Cause there's rarely many male characters I'm interested in, but there's often male characters I'm gender euphoria wise just.. Interested in, if that makes sense?

I'm in a straight presenting relationship with a straight guy, but man, sometimes I dream of being a guy.. I know I can't fully commit cause I know I'm not a guy, if that makes sense.. Cause he/him doesn't always work for me either, I'm very they/them comforted haha! But man, it's tough ._ .

Who said gender identity had to be easy, am I right? hahaaaaaa...

How do you guys feel? Has there ever been someone in a media you were consuming that just BLEW YOUR GENDER AWAY? Cause, man, I could make a list soooo long lol..