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Reflection on My Final Days in Tucson — and Arizona
In just a few months, I’ll be leaving Tucson after nearly a decade here (2016–2026) and moving to an entirely new state. As I’ve been packing, planning, and saying my goodbyes, I’ve been reflecting on what this chapter of my life has taught me. Some lessons were hard, some unexpected, and some I wish I’d learned sooner.
Lessons in Love and Boundaries
Two years ago, I made the mistake of entering a triad relationship. Never again.
During this stage of my polyamory journey, I learned that some people who claim to be polyamorous aren’t looking for love, honesty, or mutual respect — they’re looking for ways to manipulate or hurt others. In my case, someone I’ll call “P” used our relationship to harm their live-in partner emotionally, while also harming both me and my other (now ex) partner, whom I’ll call “Marie.” (Names changed to protect identities.)
P’s actions — including drugging Marie, lying to both of us, and manipulating the dynamic between Marie and me — caused lasting trauma. I later learned that P (who is AFAB) had already been banned from multiple Tucson establishments for tampering with the drinks of other AFAB patrons before meeting me. That whole situation, as badly as it ended, could have been far worse, and I’m thankful that Marie and I made it out alive. We carry mental scars from it, but it could have ended much more tragically.
Still, I wish we had handled the aftermath better. Neither Marie nor I were good to each other after that. I can’t speak for her, but I know I could have handled myself better.
Looking back, I should have set clear boundaries from the start. I didn’t, and I paid the price. I also should have been firmer in expressing my needs.
Today, I don’t hold any ill will toward Marie. I hope she’s doing well in life and has found peace away from the toxic, manipulative influences that used to surround her. I hope she escaped her toxic family as well. As for P — P can rot in hell and I wish nothing but the worst for them.
The takeaway? No more triads. No more “just because.” Hard boundaries stay in place. I need to stop trusting purely on “vibes.” Communication is vital — without it, any relationship is doomed to fail.
Finding Myself — and Accepting Change
Tucson was also where I went through an identity shift. I discovered I’m trans. I realized I’m autistic. I learned I can be sex-repulsed at times, even though I’ve also had moments of being a full-on flirt or “e-slut.”
I once thought I was demisexual, then grey-asexual. For a while, I wondered if I was fraysexual or even ageosexual at times. Other times, I was completely repulsed by the mere thought of sex, or simply indifferent. Now, I identify as aceflux — in a state of flux across the ace spectrum.
I’ve always believed gender roles are pointless, and Tucson only cemented that belief. For instance, I want to wear a spooky dress and keep my beard. I want to wear a witchy outfit and have someone look at me thinking I’m an ethereal being — only to be completely thrown off when they hear me speak or see my face. I want to evoke that kind of delightful confusion when people see me.
I have long nails now (which absolutely tanked my typing speed from 90 wpm to “how do people do this?” Will I ever get used to my nails? lol).
I cherish moments of gender ambiguity — like the time two guys catcalled me from across a busy street, only to speed off in disgust when they saw my face. I laughed so hard I nearly cried xD
Health, Advocacy, and Harsh Realities
Tucson is where I learned I have two forms of dysautonomia (POTS and an undiagnosed variant), central and nephrogenic diabetes insipidus, and a list of other chronic health issues. It’s where I became politically active, learned about disability rights, and realized just how flimsy “protections” really are without thorough documentation.
When The Orange is out of office, I plan to do more work advocating for disability protections. People like me need them — and right now, the system barely pretends to care.
The Importance of Self-Preservation
I also learned that it’s okay — even necessary — to be selfish sometimes. While with Marie, I let four “roommates” move in over time to help them get back on their feet. Instead, they drained my finances, ignored boundaries, and left both of us worse off. Lesson learned: no more roommates.
This year, something happened that I’d been expecting since 2014. The people who swore they’d stand by me vanished. It hurt, but it confirmed what I already knew: in the end, I can only rely on myself.
Closing This Chapter
My last months here will be spent focusing on my health and preparing for the biggest move I’ve made since 2013. I’m not going back to London (sadly) or returning to Pasadena, California — still stuck in the U.S., unfortunately — but at least I’m going somewhere better than Arizona.
Tucson has shaped me in ways I didn’t expect. Not all of it was good. But all of it was mine.
If you’ve read this far, thanks — and, uh… sorry?
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