Reflection

Reflection on My Final Days in Tucson — and Arizona

In just a few months, I’ll be leaving Tucson after nearly a decade here (2016–2026) and moving to an entirely new state. As I’ve been packing, planning, and saying my goodbyes, I’ve been reflecting on what this chapter of my life has taught me. Some lessons were hard, some unexpected, and some I wish I’d learned sooner.

Lessons in Love and Boundaries

Two years ago, I made the mistake of entering a triad relationship. Never again.

During this stage of my polyamory journey, I learned that some people who claim to be polyamorous aren’t looking for love, honesty, or mutual respect — they’re looking for ways to manipulate or hurt others. In my case, someone I’ll call “P” used our relationship to harm their live-in partner emotionally, while also harming both me and my other (now ex) partner, whom I’ll call “Marie.” (Names changed to protect identities.)

P’s actions — including drugging Marie, lying to both of us, and manipulating the dynamic between Marie and me — caused lasting trauma. I later learned that P (who is AFAB) had already been banned from multiple Tucson establishments for tampering with the drinks of other AFAB patrons before meeting me. That whole situation, as badly as it ended, could have been far worse, and I’m thankful that Marie and I made it out alive. We carry mental scars from it, but it could have ended much more tragically.

Still, I wish we had handled the aftermath better. Neither Marie nor I were good to each other after that. We had work to do, but instead of doing it, we both avoided it, and it ultimately led to us hurting each other more. . I zoned into my phone, and seeking new connections, and didn't check in enough because it was easier than trying and failing to address how hurt I was. To me it felt like every time I tried to address the damages, she would rather avoid it. Eventually I gave up. I can’t speak for her of course - this is just how it felt to me... but I know I could have handled myself better.

As for P — P can rot in hell and I wish nothing but the worst for them.

Prior to the Triad with Marie and P, I was assaulted by Marie's cousin (whom I will call J), and having years of trauma brought back in an instant and years of therapy undone in a flash by J, then being involved in such a disastrous triad, Marie and I had some issues that needed to be worked on and addressed. However.... we just... didn't.

A year later, it felt like I was the only one trying. Eventually I gave up. As I was sexually repulsed at this point, in part due to said issues, and Marie was hyper sexual to the point I could not even pick up a cable without her saying something like "ooh are you going to tie me up with that"... I told Marie to seek to meet her sexual needs elsewhere. I too sought the emotional closeness that Marie was either unable to or refusing to give me that I needed. I was depressed, and physically unwell due to disability; having been discriminated against in my dream career by a local company, and was going thru hell; and still expected to hold up the entire household by myself. 

I acknowledge maybe my NRE was out of hand; but I tried to communicate numerous times that things were not working and communicate my needs. It fell on deaf ears.

Perhaps when we were free of P, Marie and I should have also gone our separate ways. I certainly made mistakes which I regret, but Marie certainly wasn't innocent either.

Looking back, I should have set clear boundaries from the start. I didn’t, and I paid the price. I also should have been firmer in expressing my needs, and perhaps ending things a lot sooner.

Today, I don’t hold any ill will toward Marie. I hope she’s doing well in life and has found peace away from the toxic, manipulative influences that used to surround her. I hope she escaped her toxic family as well. I do hope however, she has learned to communicate better to her current partner, and speak up in her partner's defense in their absence.

The takeaway? No more triads. No more “just because.” Hard boundaries stay in place. I need to stop trusting purely on “vibes.” Communication is vital — without it, any relationship is doomed to fail. No more freeloading cousins for roommates. Every good deed I ever did bit me in the ass in the end.

And as for the friends that were originally mine that are now Marie's friends.... fuck em. Marie didn't like y'all from the get go xD so.... yeah have fun with that. Marie talked mad shit about y'all. Y'all kept giving me updates as to what was going on with Marie even though I asked you not to. 

As for K? I blocked her. Like Marie said K did to her, K seemed to only want to be my friend when convenient for her. The rest of you were blocked bc you would not shut up about Marie - or you lied to me and I found out.

Finding Myself — and Accepting Change

Tucson was also where I went through an identity shift. I discovered I’m trans. I realized I’m autistic. I learned I can be sex-repulsed at times, even though I’ve also had moments of being a full-on flirt or “e-slut.”

I once thought I was demisexual, then grey-asexual. For a while, I wondered if I was fraysexual or even ageosexual at times. Other times, I was completely repulsed by the mere thought of sex, or simply indifferent. Now, I identify as aceflux — in a state of flux across the ace spectrum.

I’ve always believed gender roles are pointless, and Tucson only cemented that belief. For instance, I want to wear a spooky dress and keep my beard. I want to wear a witchy outfit and have someone look at me thinking I’m an ethereal being — only to be completely thrown off when they hear me speak or see my face. I want to evoke that kind of delightful confusion when people see me.

I have long nails now (which absolutely tanked my typing speed from 90 wpm to “how do people do this?” Will I ever get used to my nails? lol). 

I cherish moments of gender ambiguity — like the time two guys catcalled me from across a busy street, only to speed off in disgust when they saw my face. I laughed so hard I nearly cried xD

Health, Advocacy, and Harsh Realities

Tucson is where I learned I have two forms of dysautonomia (POTS and an undiagnosed variant), central and nephrogenic diabetes insipidus, and a list of other chronic health issues. It’s where I became politically active, learned about disability rights, and realized just how flimsy “protections” really are without thorough documentation.

When The Orange is out of office, I plan to do more work advocating for disability protections. People like me need them — and right now, the system barely pretends to care.

The Importance of Self-Preservation

I also learned that it’s okay — even necessary — to be selfish sometimes. While with Marie, I let four “roommates” move in over time to help them get back on their feet. Instead, they drained my finances, ignored boundaries, and left both of us worse off. Lesson learned: no more roommates.

One of said roommates was Marie's cousin J. J used so much more electricity than Marie and I combined. Made demands of us, even when I was in full pots flare that were extremely unreasonable. When I finally had enough and tried to have a conversation, she always made some excuse as to why she couldn't. When I called her out, it turned into a fight. J assaults me; immediately undoing over a decade of healing and therapy and bringing my brain back into a traumatized state that I left behind in Phoenix with my very abusive ex from 2007-2010). This was right before the triad so... yeah.

To this day I still am in constant flight or flight mode from those traumas from 2010 and am again having to do the work to undo all that damage. For the second time. That whole mess really fucked with me. Then the Triad did even more damage. And Marie was almost zero support to me about it towards the last year of our relationship when it was her fucking cousin that I was trying to help.

Then, this year, something happened that I’d been expecting since 2014. The people who swore they’d stand by me (Marie being one of them who made the biggest show about being there for me to handle this) vanished. It hurt, but it confirmed what I already knew: in the end, I can only rely on myself. I'll probably never trust anyone the way I trusted Marie again.

Closing This Chapter

My last months here will be spent focusing on my health and preparing for the biggest move I’ve made since 2013. I’m not going back to London (sadly) or returning to Pasadena, California — still stuck in the U.S., unfortunately — but at least I’m going somewhere better than Arizona.

Tucson has shaped me in ways I didn’t expect. Not all of it was good. But all of it was mine.

If you’ve read this far, thanks — and, uh… sorry?