fam issues

Tonight i just feel sad about EVERYTHING and im overthinking so im just gonna throw it all.

When I was little and my sisters still lived with me, I remember not having a relationship with them, I mean they could talk about stuff between them but I just got out of it and i'm still out of it... So yes they were never the ones to help me with my issues or homework or whatever cause they were too busy with theirs. The only thing I remember is playing videogames once in a while with one of them and the other one buying me stuff but when I was little they didnt even played with me, I almost don't have any memories of going out with them or playing at the park or some card game etc. And after all these years our relationship havent improved so much. And it's really sad that I get to know people my age with sisters that are like almost a second mom to them or at least they talk to each other frequently.

Otherwise, my dad wasnt really able to me. I mean yes he teached me to read and sum and multiply, whatever. Also he used to play with me, more than my sisters at least. We played scopa or checkers. And he would buy me whatever phone I would want (it was the time when the touch phones were just arriving). And all of that was okay for me, at that age. But now, I feel like I don't know him. He never told me about his past or teached me some lesson or gave me some speech. He never asked about my problems either, cause he never cared if I was okay emotionally. He has never said he's proud of me or that he loves me but I have heard him criticizing me for the way I dress, because I sleep too much, because I "don't study" (he just doesnt see me) or whatever I'm doing. And again, I see other fathers supporting their daughters in whatever the hell they do, and I wished mine was like that too. I still remember one time he told me I looked like a model just because of an oufit he liked and it really made my day. But mostly I just tend to ignore him cause he usually doesnt like what I do. I try not to judge him because he didnt even had a father so i think I can understand why he doesnt know how to be one and that he shows his love in other ways like gifting expensive things. But sometimes I just get tired and I think it's valid too.

I don't feel too bad about my mom, cause I think she has been really great to me and everyone else in the family. But if I had to complain about something it would be that she never let me cry in peace. When I was little she used to get so upset about me crying. And when I grow up she would just ask me what's wrong again and again but thats not what I needed to hear. I couldn't explain to her why I'm crying because I don't really trust her my problems, instead I just wanted to be hugged and cry until theres no tears left to drop. But she would feel bad to see me crying so it was never an option. I remember going to my dad when I wanted to cry cause he doesnt make that many questions but I don't feel too close to him to do that whenever I'm sad about something, so I just hide my feelings until everyone is asleep and I can cry about whatever the hell is happening or have happened. And if it gets too much to handle I just write it and hope I feel better by the morning.