Again .. (Very long)

I think that the break up is a 50/50 and I don’t know what to do, I’ve written an essay essentially, explaining all of my feelings but I’m so scared and I can’t stop crying. We’re supposed to talk in the morning but my morning is 5am rn and his is 1pm so I have to wait and wait and the more I wait, the worse my anxiety attack gets, can I get some help with this whole thing I wrote? You’re not obligated to because it’s really long but I want to keep this boy so badly.

My whole heart:

Since I’m up, I’ll just say my side I guess .. you’re always doing things with your friends, or specifically with Val and it makes me feel insecure to the point I’m pretty sure I’m being dramatic about her. When I see you guys doing something together it makes me feel like she’s the girlfriend and I’m on the sidelines, and it makes me feel like I’m not good enough. I feel like I’m just not good enough to the point I don’t feel hungry when lunch comes because I’m just not worth it. Because you’re with your friends so much I feel like you’re avoiding me constantly, you’re with your friends, you’re recording, I can’t come over, and it makes me feel like shit because all I wanted to do is see you, or talk to you but you just seem too busy for me that I’ve turned to Mario to keep me company and I’ve turned to making you upset or angry just to get your attention because I feel like that’s the only way to keep it on me. My chest has been hurting constantly because of this, it’s been pounding so hard that I can’t sleep at night, that I stay up till 5 am, and it feels like it’ll just jump out of my chest and it hurts. I’m so cautious cause I feel like you’ll just up and leave me at any moment right now, and I don’t know how to tell you these things because I’m so scared that my mind is right and I’m not good enough for you, and I wanna be everything for you. I’m starting to notice these things where you take longer to respond, and seem distant and I’m trying my best to stay calm and collected but I’m so scared and hurt and I tend to overthink these things and I feel like I need this reassurance that I’m just overthinking but I feel so bothersome to tell you. I don’t know how to tell you these things cause maybe I’m being dramatic? And maybe it’s cause I don’t know how, I know I said I would tell you all my problems but I don’t know how to. I’m not as open as you are, I can’t say these things easily cause I’ll just start crying again or feel like I’m over dramatic even if you think I’m not. And recently, I’ve been struggling to get out of bed because my motivation has been gone all month, and all I want to do is see you, because seeing you makes me calm and because I haven’t seen you in a month, i’ve been all over the place, and all I’ve been wanting to do is just see you, just once, even for like 30 seconds, seeing you just makes me feel better about everything, all my worries, even a simple hug makes me feel 10 times better. But all you can say is “one can try” and it hurts every time I ask, to the point I feel insignificant, and stupid for asking the same question over and over again. All I want to do is get over this obstacles in our way because I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you, not again, and I think we need to spend more time together, even with friends around, Ciaran and Natalie, even Val, Sam, Aurora, Mario, Romeo, whoever, we just need to see each other face to face, or hang out is what I’m saying, but you’ll see how much of a difference that would make if you would just trust me, please  

Thank you for those who read this, please give me feedback if possible ..