Please tell me.

Please tell me there is someone like me. Someone who keeps sabotaging themselves when they just start getting better. Who pushes people away because they feel they are faking everything. I need to know there is someone who wishes to be alone and messed up. Who keeps wanting to go back to the time they were at their lowest. Please tell me there are people out there that want to be r@ped, but not in a cutesy way—I want it because I feel I am not right in the mind that if something tragic were to happen to me, maybe it would explain all these thoughts and feelings. I’m tired of writing my thoughts on a stupid notebook, or trying to drown them out with a vape that doesn’t even do anything. I need this to go out to someone, I can’t keep writing in millions of notebooks, it does nothing, it fixes nothing.

I try so hard to seem normal, and im slowly falling apart. I don’t want to be messed, I don’t want to cut myself and want all these things—but I do. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t tell this to any of the people I know irl, they’ll look at me like I’m crazy, I don’t want to be crazy, I want to be understood, I want to be fixed. 

Please tell me there is also someone, shaking in the bathroom, with a blade next to them as I they blast music to drown out their stupid thoughts. 

I feel cringy saying this on here, I probably am cringey and stupid, but it’s not like I can post this on Insta where everyone I know follows me. And I can’t talk to a therapist—not just because I can’t afford it. Because I know if I say these words to them, two things will happen; they won’t take me seriously and think I’m just some teen begging for attention or they’ll tell my parents and let them know how fucked up their child is, make them wonder where they went wrong.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels these things. Please tell me how to fix myself, I want to be happy. But everytime I think I am, my mind sabotages itself. How do I fix this.