dumb n sad

i've always loved making characters, worlds, stories, etc. inside of my head ever since i was little. part of it probably has to do with the fact that most of my life has been not only extremely traumatic- but lonely. like i never really had any friends in school, and i was neglected constantly by the adults in my life, so i started using my imagination as a way to cope with what was going on around me. to not feel so lonely. 

now whenever i'm upset, the very first place i go is inside of my own head. you can see it in my eyes, that emptiness. i've always felt so alone, unwanted, temporary.. replaceable. and it's been proven time and time again by countless people that i really am just someone to use as a placeholder. not specifically in a romantic way- but in general. i'm that person you go to when you have no one else.

but who do i have? where do i go when i need someone the most? i had to teach myself to live peacefully in my own isolation, to find comfort in my own presence. meditation helps. 

music helps too- of course art, 420, writing, video games, singing. i have lots of hobbies, and even more that i'd like to get into. i feel like my imagination has become a survival skill. 

yet, i still offer my kindness to everyone around me. i throw the shirt off my own back for strangers who wouldn't give me a second glance.

and people might say- just stop.. but it's not that simple.

i feel like i was put on this planet to love. i carry so much of it, it's like a compulsion. i am motherly, and it's my second nature to put others before myself a lot of the time. 

but one thing i've never stopped to think about- to REALLY wish for.. and maybe it's because i've never deemed it possible..

i would love to know what it's like to be taken care of. to be treated like the most important thing in someone's life. to feel genuinely cared about. 

i feel like i'm undeserving of love. maybe i'm here to give and give pieces of myself until i cant anymore. it may drain me, but i never want other people to feel the way i feel. even when it kills me. 

i know that i havent found that care im looking for. the least i can do is spread my heart to others. especially in these times. 

maybe one day, ill meet someone who truly cares, in the way that i care for those around me. or maybe the loneliness will finally get to me. sometimes, my bedroom doorknob and a belt look real good. 

i tested it out one time, just to see if it'd be my method of choice. i almost passed out immediately. if i take some of bedtime meds, i can peacefully go to sleep, forever.

i don't plan on doing anything to myself. not right now. but i can't lie and say those thoughts don't creep into the back of my mind.

it's worse when i'm off my medication, and the voices in my head come back. sometimes i forget to take my medicine, and they sneak back in. there's so many of them. they hate me. they want me to spiral. 

my state wants to take away free healthcare. i hope i won't lose anything. without my meds, i dont think i could take care of myself. 

im not proof reading this im just kinda word vomiting so srry for any typos