I Don’t Feel Empathy Like You Do. Am I Broken or Just Wired Differently?

Please DNI with the blog if you're conclusion ends up just attacking me, I actually WANT help. And am not actively harming others!!!

Functionality | mental system

I know how I act can confuse people or make them think I’m cold or uncaring. That’s not the case,I just function very differently from what’s considered typical. I have reduced emotional reactivity. I’m emotionally distant by default. I don’t choose detachment, it’s just how I am. I don’t feel guilt the way others do. I don’t form emotional bonds in the typical sense. What I experience instead is usually obsession or intense curiosity, which can become unhealthy or fluctuate rapidly.

I don’t have affective empathy, I understand people’s emotions intellectually, but I don’t feel them with them. So if someone is in pain, I get it logically, but I don’t emotionally connect with it. That disconnect often makes my responses seem cold or impersonal, but it’s not because I’m cruel, the emotional mechanism just isn’t there. Because of this, my relationships are often transactional. It’s not about using people, I just understand connection as: “If you give me loyalty, validation, or support, I’ll give you protection, attention, or resources.”
This is how I show that someone matters, not with emotion, but through consistent action or calculated behavior.

I follow a personal code of conduct, but it’s based on self-interest and risk assessment, not guilt or morality. I don’t hurt people because: It could damage the relationship, It might make me look bad or It could lead to unwanted consequences. That's not empathy, it’s logic. I don’t have internal emotional brakes like guilt or shame, so I need clear external boundaries. I follow rules when I understand the consequences, not because I intuitively “feel” them.

My 'empathy'?

Despite being emotionally detached most of the time, I have intense emotional reactions to abandonment, rejection, or instability. I can go from uninterested to obsessive or panicked when someone pulls away. It’s confusing, even if I logically don’t “care” about them, the sense of instability triggers something intense in me. I can say “I don’t care” and mean it intellectually, but still feel deeply unsettled or obsessed when someone rejects me. The emotional response doesn’t seem tied to real connection, it’s more about control, or predictability, or some kind of internal stability that gets disrupted.

I don’t think I was always like this. I know autism affected my ability to understand people early on, but I believe trauma shaped how I function now. My emotions are filtered through logic, and I have to “recreate” the right responses, like recognizing someone’s grandma died and knowing what to say, even if I don’t feel it. That’s mentally exhausting. I don’t cry for others or get upset for their pain. I only feel deeply when it affects me personally.

I used to engage in destructive behaviors amongst other things but I’ve stopped mainly because I’ve become hyper self-aware. I understand the consequences now. I still think logically about situations rather than emotionally. In my earlier teen years, I genuinely couldn’t relate to people. I thought I was superior because others seemed ruled by emotion, which I found irrational and inconvenient. Emotional outbursts annoyed me. I’ve been manipulative when there was something to gain, but not always. Sometimes I just feel empty, and it fills a gap.

I don’t feel shame for how I’ve treated others. I don’t regret it emotionally, but I do see it as inadequate, or as something that violates the personal logic/morals I’ve developed. That’s the only standard I hold myself to. But I can’t say this openly to most people, because I know it would upset or enrage them.

My relationship connection experience

I’m capable of obsession, but not love. I latch on so intensely, not because of who they are, but because of what they give me: a sense of worth and a reason to exist. It’s selfish, I know. I love being loved.Love isn't a necessity for me or atleast something I prioritise (I think). I think 'crushes' are a inconvience to me and I dislike idolising people but obsession is all consuming, thats why I dispise it's entirety. A crush is just romanticising the absence of knowing someone.

In romantic relationships, I don’t feel attraction in the way most people describe, based on emotional connection, affection, or a deep appreciation for “who someone is as a person.” Instead, I’m drawn to traits that are beneficial or valuable to me, either practically, intellectually, or psychologically. I might be attracted to someone’s: Stability; Loyalty (because it makes them predictable and safe); Intelligence or skill (because I find it mentally stimulating); Emotional availability (because it gives me access to something I don’t have); and defiance (it keeps me in order I don't like people being completely obedient to everything i say, i dont find it stimulating and i find its easier for me to be enabled)

But the draw isn’t about them as a whole person, it’s about how they function, what they can offer, or what they represent to me. It’s calculated, not romantic in the traditional sense. This isn’t about manipulation or using people, it’s just how my brain attaches meaning and value. But I recognize that it clashes heavily with how most people understand love, which is emotional, selfless, and person-centered. Because of that, I genuinely believe that romance might be impossible for me, not because I’m incapable of connection, but because the way I define and feel connection is so fundamentally different. Most people want to be loved for who they are, not what they can offer. And I don’t think many people could accept the way I experience attachment without feeling devalued or objectified, even if that’s not my intent. So it leaves me stuck: I can want someone, be deeply curious or even obsessive, but it’s rarely based on emotional intimacy, and I know that won’t be enough for a healthy romantic relationship by most people’s standards.

Views on others

I constantly operate with an internal hierarchy, a ranking system where I evaluate who’s “better” than me and who I’m “better than.” It’s not always conscious, but it shapes how I interact with people and how I feel about myself. This hierarchy isn’t just about intelligence or social power, it’s about how people function, how emotionally reactive they are, how logically they operate, and whether they feel like “equals” or “others” to me. I often feel threatened or uncomfortable around people who I perceive as more competent, insightful, or in control than I am, especially when they aren’t in a clear authority role like a medical or mental health professional. If a therapist, psychologist, or doctor seems to understand the human psyche better than me, my brain automatically categorizes them as above me, so I accept their authority. But if a peer or equal seems to understand people better than I do, especially on an emotional level, I get defensive or feel inferior. It’s like I instinctively need to reassert my position or prove my superiority, especially if they tap into something I understand only intellectually, not emotionally.

Closing of blog | Please give some help and gudience if you can ^_^

I know I’ve already been diagnosed with ASD, OCD and CPTSD, and I understand how those explain certain aspects of me,like my emotional detachment, social struggles, and trauma responses. But I’ve felt for years now that those diagnoses don’t explain the full picture. There’s something else, something deeper, more ingrained in how I think, relate to others, and react to situations.

I need serious help or guidence but I honestly dont know what to do with myself. I'm not depressed but I just have and still feel chronically empty, there so many details missing but I am very aware how detatched I am is really not normal, nor is how I truly see and view people. Im able to keep friends but rarely ever long term, no ones really ever made complaints about my actions and behaviour either, not that im doing something for people to complain about Ive talked about how I generally cannot feel empathy the same way my friends do to those close to me and they listened and understood what I was saying but they couldnt help. I wonder if someone genuinely can fully relate to this or am I just kind of a asshole. OMG... I feel like such a edge lord...