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hey spaceheyitzens, 

it feels like the past couple of days- a lot of happened but not much at the same time. i'm still going through the motions of waking up and going to work, without a chance to relax or really wind down and do something i enjoy. i think it's doing numbers on my wellbeing. my period is making me a bit more emotional than usual, either that or it's my lack of emotional transparency, both to myself and others, and i've finally reached my limit. i was coding and watching a video essay about Stevonnie, and for some reason it brought to me genuine tears. except i didn't fully cry or anything because i'm in the living room and i hate being seen while crying.

i don't think it was the writing or anything (though the creator did have amazing points), but because of the topic of the video was very relatable. Stevonnie is a character i hold dear to my heart because i think they're a perfect intersex representation. their androgynous appearance, the fact that they're even addressed with they/them pronouns in the show-- when i was younger watching their episodes, i was ecstatic. i cannot confidently name any other character as such besides them.

with that being said, as the topic of the video, i am all very familiar with the feeling of feeling alien in your own body, but also learning how to find comfort in your body as well. but i rarely express my feelings, let alone talk about it to anyone. so hearing something that i have felt for so long, and kept in so long in relation to a character that i resonate with brought me to the edge. it's kinda silly, but also sad that i have no one i trust enough to say how i truly feel. 

anyways, i think i really do need a good cry, so it was needed. i've been lacking on taking care of myself lately, and starting to fall back into bad habits. this was badly written bc i said everything that was on my mind at once- also it's pretty hard to type when tears are blurring your vision. this is a very random and open post- i'll probably delete this when the waterworks stop lmao.

if you're still here, thanks for the read i think. i guess any listening ear (or reading eye) is better than none .