wlw rant (In desperate need of a potion to make me get rid of this crush)

I have this friend. Well, she feels more like a friend of a friend. We're friends by association. You know? It doesn't really matter, anyways, I'm about to go into my Sophomore Year, or 2nd year, of college and during my first year I got really close with this one girl who I was in a club with. We're like best friends now and we're living together this school year. 

Anywaysss she introduced me to one of her other good friends and like...at first I didn't pay much attention to the friend. I thought she was cool and pretty, I liked her style. But we never really exchanged many words at first, just a simple hey and a tight-lipped smile. It was cordial, always cordial, and I'd usually forget about her. She definitely forgot about me. But then one day my friend was supposed to study at this cafe on campus with the girl and my friend invited me. And it kind of went on from there.

Before I continue, let's call my friend 1 and the girl 2, okay? Cool, glad that we've come to an understanding. Also, let me clarify that my sexuality is a very, very, very confusing concept for me. I currently label as just queer because the idea of me being bisexual doesn't feel right, but also I don't know if I should label myself as a lesbian because I can't decipher if my attraction for men is genuine or just a desperate need for their validation. I really don't know to be honest, and the idea of labeling myself stresses me out so I just use the term queer. No label, really, I'm free to be who I want, and I don't have to face the potential embarrassment of utilizing one label and then being wrong.

One thing is certain though. I'm attracted to women. Anyways, let's move on.

Besides the fact that I started to feel more comfortable around 2 during this study sesh, I also realized that I was attracted to her on that day too. Me, and 1, and 2 were literally just sitting at this cramped table studying, and 2 was sitting in front of me. Everything was normal, we were all working, talking and laughing, blah blah blah. But then 2's foot accidentally brushed against either my leg or my foot under the table, and for some reason I just like froze. My heart started racing and I looked up from my laptop to look at her...and she was just studying like nothing happened. Probably because it was AN ACCIDENT, but now I'm looking at her in this whole new light and my delusional mind is running a million miles per hour. 

Like all of a sudden she's not just pretty, she's really pretty, and funny, and smarter than she lets on, and I want her to look at me. I want her to find me funny, I want her to think that I'm smart too,  and I want her to also think that I'm pretty. And then times goes on and she starts hanging out with me and 1 more, and 2 and I have now established this like back and forth relationship where we kind of tease each other as a joke. It might look like we're always fighting or arguing but there's this mutual understanding that it's all a joke. That we actually find the whole ordeal kind of fun. I look forward to the dynamic, I look forward to seeing her, if she's not around I wish she was. Yeah...it's bad.

And it's like I feel like she might already suspect something. I can't control how I look at her at all, I've never been good at hiding my facial expressions or keeping a blank look in my eyes. I'm too expressive and It's like I don't know. I don't think I'm that obvious, but I can tell. I can feel it when I start acting more starstruck than casual and I have to like make myself stop. It's getting embarrassing tbh.

And then one night we all went out to this party and our mutual friend 1 was talking to some guy, our other friends were running around the place doing who knows what, and me and 2 were kind of "stuck" with each other. Then suddenly we're talking and suddenly we're dancing and she's holding my hand. And I mean...we're in this packed place surrounded by tons of people so I mean friends stand behind their friends and put their arms around their friend's neck while they dance. Yeah, of course. Internally I'm freaking out because it's like...what is happening. Like when I think about that night it feels like I'm trying to recall a dream. I mean even 1 saw us dancing together and she acknowledged it. I remember 1 and I talking the next day, and she was like "Oh and I see that you and 2 got closer last night. You guys were cute." 

My delusional mind had a field day with that statement. After that it's just gotten worse. I don't think I know her well enough to know that I like her but I definitely have a crush that's just growing and growing. I genuinely don't know what to do. I feel like I need to get rid of this crush as soon as possible because I can't possibly like her. It could possibly mess up the group dynamic, make things awkward, etc. I know that she likes girls, that's a clear fact, I just don't know if she'd ever like...me. Unfortunately. I don't know but the semester is starting soon and I think that's why I'm thinking about her more. It's weird because it's like...I miss her. Like I think I actually do and I don't even think she thinks about me that much or at all. 

I've probably taken all of these friendly interactions and played them up in my head and I think I just need to squash these thoughts before someone else does. You know? Anyways, this is probably really embarrassing and I'll probably delete this soon but I just like I don't know. Omg I don't know. I'll probably just have to keep this to myself for like ever. Which is fine, I can do it, it's just like...yeah.