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So one day I decided to go sit on a wall. Tuns out I have REALLY bad balance. I ended up falling off the wall; it broke me into a million shards. At one point the king sent all his stinky horses and men to try to put my pieces back together, but they got hungry and left. It's been 3 years now, and I've given up looking for those horses and stinky guys. A couple months ago i decided they might come to me, but no one's shown up. No one cares about poor Humptey Dumptey. It might be for the better though. Eggs are quite delicious, and they're a staple. That's a fact.
© Paige Rozer 2009
Far too many boundaries, undefeated.
So many thoughts, and words not finished.
I do not believe that this ends soon.
Und hält dich das auch nicht zurück
Dann spring ich für Dich
He is so wonderful. His voice, His smile. Everything about him is Butterflies fluttering into my heart.
Paige: "You just missed zach..."
Karla: "I know! grr."
Paige: "Oh well... Call him."
Karla: "lol"
Paige: "Seriously. He's really sad... I couldnt help... So you should."
Karla: "Why's he sad?!"
Paige: "No more off-blocks with Forest-man, duh."
Karla: "No, seriously."
Paige: "Well, he's not sad because im in pain, he's not sad 'cause Laramie's leaving, no. He's sad because he's not gonna be able to spend a couple extra hours with his best friend... SERIOUSLY! I'm not joking around god dammit!"
Karla: "I'm sorry Zach's being that way- but he's a guy! They're unpredictible."
Paige: "It's not unpredictable! It's annoyingly pre-dictable, and i cant stand it!"
Karla: I'm glad I finally started talking to you, though =)=) I wouldn't worry about it too much."
Paige: It's all AUTUMNS fault! I hate her!
Karla: How is that?
Paige: I wish she would get over herself and take him back already! Things were so much better back then! He was so much nicer, he wasn't always depressed; looking for cheap tricks to keep himself preoccupied; but now he is! Now he wont even talk to me! It's all HER fault! I hate her so much!!!
Karla: "She's taken, and he's a helluva lot better without her----you know that. And whenever she's around, it actually seems like he ignored everyone."
Paige: "But he always used to talk to me when they were going out. I was his best chick friend, we told each other what seemed like everything!"
Karla: " "
Paige: Oh no! He hates me! I can't believe he hates me! What am i going to do now! I'm a horrible person! I lost my best friend! Crap crap crap! *crying*
face
Sometimes all the music you need is the sound of each others heart.
I met them in fourth grade. They were out on the field, like the other kids, but they were so different. One had been in my class a year or two before, the health freak, the cat lover. Maddie. Her best friend, Nick, had blonde hair. It draped past his shoulders- looking like liquid gold. The two of them were so unique compared to the jocks that filled Adams Elementary. They wore Birkenstock sandals every day- Nick always wore shorts, Maddie was always in a dress. I found them sitting in the field one winter morning, they were wearing their sandals, shorts, and dress, and in the few years that I knew them they never wore anything else.
Of course there were two more sitting in the cold with them.
I've known Asia since I was in kindergarten. She had really cute blonde curly hair, glasses, and wore the same coat for the majority of the year. Her best friend, Jessica, barely ever talked. She seemed to just follow the others around while they stood guard of the mushrooms in front of the trees. Their faces mirrored each-others every time I saw them- absolute devotion. These strange misfits really wanted to protect the mushrooms in the back of our school field.
In fifth grade I befriended them. They were my best friends, but they wouldn't let me be the fifth freak. I had to be the (W)One Weirdo. I was excluded from something I thought I actually had a chance of being a part of. Irregardless, we had so much fun that year I couldn't bear the idea of middle school. It meant leaving my friends. They were all going to different schools except for Jessica and me. It was so sad. I remember we had a big sleepover saying goodbye to each-other. That summer we hung out so much that I couldn't imagine life without them.
In sixth grade, I met some new people, and then out of nowhere, like a train in the fog, Asia appeared! We went to outdoor school together that year. Nicks school was there with ours, so we got to see him again. It was so much fun. But over the course of middle school, me and Asia drifted, and I lost touch with Maddie and Nick.
-It was freshman orientation.- “Who's that?” they were pointing at a young boy. From what I could see, he was scary beyond all reason. He was wearing black, black, black. Chains, piercings covering his face. His hair was cut in a Mohawk, and dyed black and red. He was frightening. As we progressed in the line to get into the gym and as I stepped closer to him, I realized who I was seeing. It was the boy with the golden hair, the boy in the sandals, now wearing inch-and-a-half thick boots. It was Nick. It was frightening. On the first day of school, it was through a crowd of people and around a bend, but I was sure I saw it, I saw Maddie's long brown hair floating behind her. Then halfway through the year I added Asia on Facebook.
We were all in the same school again. We were finally back together. Everything was different, but everything was great. Jessica was even there. The four freaks were back together again, and the (W)One Weirdo was with her friends.
Tonight was the fall concert at lbcc. Its also the first time I haven't gone since 2012. I've been thinking about it all day. I'm happy with where I am right now, but I am very unhappy with what I had to go through. With time away from the situation, I've gained perspective. And what I see isn't good. My first three years at that school, I flourished. Things that I never imagined being able to do were flowing naturally. I learned how to read a clef ive struggled with my whole life. My skill level was increasing, my friendships as well. And then my advisor left. He was a pillar, supporting me along with many others. A lot of people that I had grown close to disappeared. Concert choir nearly vanished. I stayed reluctantly knowing not many others would. I decided I liked the new guy. I talked him up any time anyone was hesitant about him. Until he openly mocked me in chamber. But by that time people had warmed up to him. I kept trying to show him that I had the skill to be in there, but I couldn't see things from his side. I was just some leftover. Helpful for numbers sake, but not much else. Maybe he thought it was cool how honest I was, but really I kept a lot bottled up. soon it was winter term. I had re warmed up to him, and things were better. Of course that's about the time that my roommate asked me to quit speaking to him. He was closer with nearly everyone in chamber, so I felt like I had not only senselessly lost my best friend, but many acquaintances as well. I became more and more visibly depressed. The sirens were picking up on it, but I didn't want to bother any one with my problems so I didn't tell them what was up. I honestly still don't really know what happened... I was feeling pushed out in the group. I am a very dominant person, but someone was more so. I didn't realize that was the problem though until it was too late. Instead, I just let it get to me. I cried after almost every rehearsal because I felt so intensely bad about myself and my ideas and my ability. Meanwhile, I only had a few people talking to me in chamber, and I was hardly going to concert choir. At some point, my advisor told me that it would be nearly impossible for me to get the job I wanted to work towards. He told me it basically wasn't worth trying. It would be easier to be a musician but that's still nearly impossible, you need to be born talented. It would be better to be a teacher. But you'll need a masters to teach at the university level, how bout elementary school? You like kids, right. I didn't want to be a teacher. We decided I would move to Eugene and be a business major and be a manager for people with the same dream as me. Maybe I'll meet a future star... Travis agreed to go to Eugene with me. But by spring term I had chickened out, I wanted to go to Germany with the choirs and sing a solo in sirens dedicated to Tobey- who had been helping me through the year. So I decided to stay and get a general studies associates degree. At the end of spring term, my advisor was having chamber choir re auditions. The old tired tradition of grandfathering students in was being dissolved so that he could have his perfect vocal machine. That's important when you're touring. Apparently. Because winning is the most important thing. Apparently. So I practiced a little, got down the thing I thought would be the most impressive, and helped a friend practice as well. He had grown on me and I could tell he really wanted in, so I was rooting for him. Now this re audition happened at the end of a long year of feeling abandoned and put down and unwanted and untalented. My confidence and self efficacy were at rock bottom. My a cappella group had left me out of the medley where each and every one of them had something special to do. They barely learned my choreo. I was pretty sure we were just going to stand still during my song. I mean, I was just really having a tough time in there. I had been considering quitting for weeks. I couldn't handle how I was feeling around them. I was hanging in there though. Then the audition happened. Because of my lack of confidence, I nearly failed the one on one. As I walked out, though, I wasn't even upset, I was just sort of numb. I told myself that I wouldn't be upset if I didn't get in. The group audition happened soon after. I, along with I think only one other, was not invited back. I wasn't upset. I just wanted to tell my advisor about why I had been weird in class. We talked about it, he didn't know that anything had been going on, but he had apparently been concerned. He was worried about how to break the news to me because he could see how fragile I was. But I wasn't fragile. He had been preparing me for that moment all year. Mocking me in front of the class, telling me my dream job was never going to happen, ignoring me in favor of students more like himself. I was ready for that news. I wasn't ready for his reasoning. I was too nasal. Me. Too nasal. Absolutely laughable. My first three years at lbcc I struggled to be less breathy. I was finally reaching a beautiful equilibrium. Even now, months out of that hell hole, I am too breathy. But he wasn't wrong. I was stuck in my nose. Because all year he continued to pick weird ass music that called for us to put our voices forward. Our spring term set was largely nasal. So it is my fault. My voice was not meshing because I was singing wrong. I was not good enough for this choir because i couldn't adapt , or I didn't care to adapt anymore. I really didnt care. He told me I could lie. I excitedly took him up on the offer. I'm a great liar. Ironic, really. One of our first advisor meetings he said he liked how honest I was, and here I was, jumping at the opportunity to lie. Anyways, I told everybody I quit. It was believable, as I basically threw my audition anyways. I didn't want to be there, so I told people "I caught up with him right after rehearsal that next day and told him to no longer consider me. I'd rather someone who wants to be there gets in, I'm miserable there." The best part about that lie is I had wanted to do just that. But in the end it was a lie. He decided that I wasn't good enough to be in his elite squad of precious babies. (I mean that in the sense that he sees them as his family, not in the weird condescending way...) So. I took this in stride and decided, if I don't have to deal with the torture of seeing my ex best friend all the time, I'll be happier, and I'll be able to focus on strengthening my bonds with the sirens, even the ones that I butted heads with the most. Just after that all went down, there was a small sirens party. I desperately wanted to talk with one of them, but she had sleep on the brain. Another siren offered an ear. I didn't want to talk to her because it was really personal, but she told me that what I said would be in confidence. She even told me personal stuff about her life to show I could trust her. I told her that I had considered quitting and that I was going home sobbing after each rehearsal, but that I was determined to become closer with everyone. Well, turns out, that conversation was NOT confidential. She had told everybody everything- well, except for the positive part. You know. The actually important part. So within the next two weeks, they had kicked me out. It took me months to get over losing that group. And I thought that no longer mourning the loss of all of those friendships meant that I was done. But I had only scratched the surface. I was talking to a friend the other day about this concert that just happened. She told me that a friend of mine has been beaten down into honestly thinking he is not a good singer, while at the beginning of the year he was as happy and optimistic as can be. It got me thinking. And I thought about it all day. What is it about that place that takes good musicians, happy people, and turns them into depressed souls with no self efficacy? It wasn't always like that. If you haven't rehearsed everything you need to rehearse during dress rehearsal, then you stay late. You don't just leave because you want to be out of there on time. You can't beat people down to help them. This isn't tough love. It is nearly emotional abuse. You can't make people love you then treat them like crap, then pretend you did nothing wrong. I'm saying this to all of you. Every single one of you. Don't be that person. Don't mock people in front of their peers when you are in a position of authority. Dont leak peoples secrets when you are a trusted confidant. Don't tell someone you love them then leave without giving a reason. Applebee's is over priced and boring. I'm just happy I had work tonight so I couldn't make it to the concert. I wouldn't have been able to see anyone through my damn tears. I'm so glad I'm not a part of that monstrosity they call a music program any more. It seems like I didn't have a choice in the matter, but I still could have been in concert choir. And I promise you, I would not be any where near as content with my life as I am now if I had stayed. That place is toxic. It's infected with something. I'm sorry to anybody who is feeling bad about themselves in regards to their musical capabilities right now. And to those of you who did nothing wrong- you're chill af don't worry about it. I'm just frustrated and this is all I've thought off all day. /end rant/
I am from the coffee pot whistle before school, the morning sun dancing through my lacy drapes.
From the biting morning air in the spring before the bus comes.
I am from the blackberry pies, made from the fruit of the weeds behind my fence.
I am candied yams on Thanksgiving, and tortillas on dark winter nights.
I am from “Now where did I leave that?”, “Go clean your room.”, and “Do you have any homework?”
From little sister this, and little sister that- even from my little brother.
I am from obnoxious slurping while I'm trying to enjoy peace and quiet.
I am Dad, Mom, Elizabeth, John.
I am from home cooked meals every night of the week, sitting in that brown wooden chair.
From running to the Christmas tree just ready to rip open my presents.
I am from Easter egg hunts and chocolate bunny rabbits melting in my memories
I am a heart shaped box full of chocolates on the fourteenth of February.
I am from friends one day, gone the next. Why does it happen so often, that's just where I'm from.
The girl with the wool-scarf hair, walking down the halls, feeling the magnetism she pulls, but seeing it nowhere in the eyes of her peers. That's me. The girl with no friends. The girl with more friends than anyone else. From the amazingly cute cheerleader to the ridiculously unpopular goth kid with the tired face, she has them all in her grip.
“Why do they look at me? Why do they speak?” she thinks, and truly she doesn't know. From the girl with the loud voice captured in an elfin body, to the walking tower with the ladybugs step, they always talk back, never dodge her.
“They cannot like me, my faults are written clearly on my face.” But they do. She's got cheery blonde girls with grins plastered onto their faces, and quiet rosebuds ready to bloom, standing by to give her a hello. She has the boy-band maniac and the one in love with pink waiting for her bus to come. She has all the people in the world to love her, and all she can say is “Why won't he? If they're capable, why not him?”
There was a time when the girl made from pure purple magic had that friend. A time when they could truly talk. They would talk for hours and help each other through problems with family or friends. She helped him with his girlfriend, he helped her with her loneliness. But that time left her, It left her with an empty feeling, a feeling of abandonment. She was Humptey Dumptey, and he was “all the kings horses and men”-as he liked to put it. He said he would fix her. He said he would do “whatever it takes”. He lied.
She was left alone while he was brutally dumped by the loud voice and left to die. By the end of that year, the elfin one, the cheerleader, the tower, the goth, none of them mattered. He was dead. “She killed him. My friend is gone” she couldn't stop repeating it. By the time he had replaced her, she violently hated his ex. Yet, every time the elf approached her, the girls silly grin would stretch across her face.
Now she's wondering “Maybe he never changed. Maybe she never left him for dead. Maybe I changed. I changed into someone that everyone but him likes? How is that possible?” And everyday the girl with the pandas filling her room smiles and talks to him- acts like the girl taking her place next to him doesn't bother her. She's surrounded by love, so she continues on, and maybe someday she'll be happy, someday she will admit she's loved, and someday, from this day on, I will be there for you.
One kiss is all I want
To take away my tears
And give me a healthy smile
One kiss is all I want
To give me hope
And take on life as it comes
One kiss is all I want
To know your lips
And hold them forever
One kiss is all I want
To show you I love you
And be there for eternity
yesh
Humanoid creatures trapped in a universe of accelerated experiences
The savoir-faire of normalcy has been sucked from their bones
As they dance with the semblance of despair.
Prostrated souls loiter the desolate corridors
Their hollow centers clawing at the humanoid skins
Only does it end when the incalescent air knocks at the door.
A balcony.
Silent paparazzi.
The iPod calls "Paige."
Hollow ears call back.
---------
Artful elf.
Soulless creature.
Graphite on paper.
Emotions and strength.
---------
Best friends lie.
Sitting in a circle.
Ears are not open.
Nothing strikes a chord.
---------
Blue clouds blind.
Flowers fill empty space.
Warm faces for friends.
Distance for others.
---------
Children Run.
Jungle gyms tip and bend.
Happy smiles show.
Boo-boo's are no fun.
---------
Cups and plates.
PB&J for lunch.
Scream for joy after.
The sun melts away.
---------
People sit.
Hallways are filled with food.
Freddy's. Chess club. Home.
You won't talk to me.
---------
Delicious.
Honey sweet vibrations.
Horse hair Harmonies.
Bach and Telemann.
---------
Dixon Creek.
Silent paparazzi.
The iPod calls "Paige."
A hollow heart calls back.
Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who you are? I look, and I don't recognize myself. All I've done for years is look at the details. One eye is squinter than the other. One of my front teeth is crooked and sticks out a little. My nose has weird little freckles on it that, in most light, usually look like blackheads. It's always been so important to me to look at the fine details, stress about the fine details. I haven't really looked at the big picture, until just now. I'm not even sure if I'm really seeing me, or if its just what I think I look like.
People have said that I'm cute, some friends even said beautiful, of course these are the days where you're either a bully, bullied, or wanting everyone to feel as beautiful as possible. So who knows if it's true… Anyways, I've never seen that. Sure, pictures of me when I was two or three are adorable, but looking at me right now, I see bags under my eyes. I see uneven eyebrows. I just don't know what that means. What do I look like, put together? My teeth and my freckles, the bags and uneven eyebrows, the squinty eye and weirdly small shoulders. I can't see me.
What do you see in the mirror? Do you see your beautiful hair, or the acne scars? Do you see the absolute depth of your eyes? A depth that mine never seemed to achieve… Do you see you as a whole, like I see you? Or am I not the only one who can't see the big picture? Do you see me? I don't… What do I look like?
Or does that matter…
Ofcourse it does…
But on the other hand…
No really… I can't.
I just can't see me…
What color is a mirror?
Hmm...
Description:
Of my religion? Well, I don't believe in any kind of god. When we die, we decompose. That's it. That god stuff just sounds like magic, and magic isn't real.
The closest thing to magic that really exists in this world isn't god, or even magicians- they really just trick you until you are thoroughly confused. No, the closest thing to magic in this life... the closest thing has to be the way sunflowers turn up to the sky early in the morning, or the way, when certain notes are played, they travel right to your center and hit you in that perfect way, right in your heart.
Magic to me is wonder and love, not a non-existent being controlling everything. Sorry.
~~~P.S. I don't have one, but I like learning about different religions. They're often very interesting :3
"95% of teens listen to the same pop crap you hear on the radio over and over. If your one of the 5% who listens to REAL music like this status and thumbs up for you!"
I'm pretty sure that "real" music is a collection of notes and sounds that one percieves as music... so really... that "pop crap" is real music. You may not personally think its the most amazing thing in the world, but that doesn't make it not-real... Infact, Pop music relates to some people better than whatever you're talking about. you should realize that not everyone is a music person, and when they do listen to it, sometimes all that catches their attention is that pop-beat...I personally don't shove music into categories like that. I listen to anything that I like, whether it be "Pop Crap" Rock, Rap, Indie, Techno, Classical. It's all "real" music to me.So really, when you look at it, this status is very close-minded...
I feel like.... At one point I dug my self into a ditch... then I started digging the dirt out of the way into stairs... you know... so I could climb right out... but then... just as I finished the last step... I realized... I was only digging deeper into the earth, and I could no longer see the sky... I called for help... but all it did was knock down my surroundings... suffocating me in darkness....
"Can you hear it?""...Hear what?"
"My heart, crying out your name."
LBCC Fall Concert (2016, Nonfiction)
Her body fills with
smoke not easily contained
feeling large and calm.
She hugs it tightly
not unlike a protective
mother- don't let go.
Then releasing it
the smoke kisses her goodbye
leaving her lips. Free.
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