writing

genuinley when someone asks ab my favorite hobby and i say 

"oh i used to be a good writer"

it like physically hurts.

i was only a few steps away from publishing a whole ass book.

that could've been my way out of this house, my way out of poverty, literally my way out.

but no, i randomly lost all desire to live, literally breathing annoyed me, everything annoyed me.

everything still does and i'm still in the mindset that i don't wanna get better i wanna js like exist and not do anything.

i wonder what i would've accomplished if that'd never happened.

my DREAMS were to write, but i js gave it up.

so unfortounately that makes me weak, and honestly ik i am.

but my dreams were to write insanely good books, which i seriously was. then i would go around giving money and shelter to people who needed it. then i would help my family. 

that was all i wanted since like 3rd grade.

now i js want a normal fast food job or smt and an apartment.

i don't WANT a lot of money or nice things.

and honestly it's kinda sad cz it's not in a "i js wanna have a normal life" kinda way it's js a "being happy annoys me and i don't want to live my life happily" typa way.

and i'm ranting here bcz nobody ik is gonna understand and that's fine cz if i was them i wouldn't either.

personally i've wanted to end everything since i was 10, that was my first attempt actually. but if i can't be done with everything i don't feel like trying. it's js annoying atp.

anyway sorry for the rant🥲