~Becoming Emo~

When I was a young child, probably 8, I heard a song playing on tv. My curiosity was stricken, so I directed my attention towards the screen. Playing, was the music video Knives And Pens. Somehow, the lyrics stuck with me. 'Woahhh with knives and pens, we made our plight! And I can't go on, without your love you lost, you never held on.' That line, I always remembered it. I couldn't forget how compelled I was by the man's dark yet welcoming appearance. I wanted to look like him. I desired to have the cool fringed hair and black clothes, and eyeliner all around my eyes. I knew I wasn't supposed to wear makeup, because "Boys don't wear makeup unless they're gay". Though, I saw nothing wrong with it. He stuck with me, for a long time. I went over those lyrics in my head constantly. When I was 10, I got my first phone. I immediately searched up the lyrics that I'd so long remembered. The title 'Knives and Pens' appeared on the screen. I watched the music video all the way through for the first time. I was wholly enthralled by the video, lyrics, and seemingly perfect man. I continued my researching on Black Veil Brides, in so learning that the man I'd so long remembered, was Andy Sixx(now known as Andy Black). From there, I learned that the aesthetic I was so drawn to, was called 'Emo'. I had known for a long time that I wanted to look like Andy, though now I knew the name of this aesthetic and what exactly people with this aesthetic thought and felt. 'I understand them' I realized. After that, I changed my hair as much as I could, and wrote about my thoughts. I even created song lyrics similar to Andy's, as I finally understood myself and how to thoroughly express my thoughts. It was as that point, I had finally figured out who I was. So there I was. Your typical emo boy, the social reject at any social gathering, and of course, school. Despite the weight of my poor mental health, bullying, and struggle with SH, I at least felt somewhat happy internally. In my mind, I had Andy, and my music. That's all I needed. Eventually, I moved schools in middle school, and I got the freedom of dressing how I wanted. So I cut my hair into the typical emo boy style, dyed it, bought band tees, black skinny jeans, eyeliner, and I dressed the way I'd always longed to. I finally felt comfortable in my own body. I couldn't be more thankful for Andy Sixx. He helped me in more ways than anyone else has.