i miss your kiss. leave it in the past, its not worth waiting for.

he said "this might be the last kiss" (what did I miss?) but I didn't take it serious, he leaned in and I put my hand on his neck, went in for a quick peck. still my first, still my last. I can't trust the past, what it means to you is indifferent to me. whether it was real like you claim, I'll never meet anybody with the same name. it's almost morning, and I remember how you held me in your arms, back in the pool, back in the movies, back in the park. rerun it back to the start. kissed my bestfriend, but hey I guess it's not the end when you say thats what I am to you. leave me sore and dry, you say you don't want anything more and refuse to let me know why. I could taste your wet lips on mine, I guess I'm fine. what does it even mean? are we on the same team? you just keep me lying awake. I can't sleep without my head on your chest, you can't sleep without your head on my shoulder. I wish I was bolder, I wish I was older I wish I knew how to pretend I didn't care. it's a blessing and a curse in disguise. still can't decipher what's truth and what's lies. your cold eyes linger on mine. I feel our fingers intertwine like I won't whine and beg and cry like a dog on your doorstep for you to feel the same you did that one time. you are active but won't respond, and you ignore the fact I told you not to. who do you think you are? you ghost me after picking me up and squeezing my thigh and making out with me in the dark of the park. lie, and lie and lie awake sometimes. I do it too, you can try to save this in secret. only if that's what you wanted to do. It feels like I'm getting weak inside, my bones will crack and I'll break my back just to hold it out for you this once, last-minute in advance. just like all of our plans. call me, lets talk all night, dont worry about the morning. it's not all that boring when I spend my hours on the phone with you, chatting about the most random things. it brings me joy, it makes me happy to have a boy who cares and is honest with what he says. and then you say you want a future together, you would do anything to be my boyfriend. I'm hesitant but I say I want it to, feeling a little pressured by you. I get attached too easily. you say you wont leave me. just like every guy, they say the same things about me. I'm not surprised you needed it your way. next minute to the next hour, waiting for a reply. say hi and bye and leave me dry. it's awfully annoying to wait and wait for something that you know won't happen. but hey I thought it would. all my friends told me, all my friends warned me. they thought he wasnt good for me they knew the truth and I dived right in the lake of fire, I feel your temperature getting higher and higher. you said you dont want me for the wrong reasons, hard to believe. just like every guy but no, you say your different. does it show? I know I'm stupid. just like they said I was. blindsighted, thats my new name. well what can I say? you know me. you know me. you know I am myself, and I don't just leave you on the shelf I admire you everyday, my prized possession breaks. right before I met you, I was having a hell of a time, crying and dying inside. you saved me for a while, just a 1 month trial but what can I do, when your love expires. your whole personality is your superhero dreams, savior complex it seems. as a kid I pretended I could fight fires, I could create the flames. I made it my alter ego, my persona, my little act as a child. you make me run wild, you hurt me, and it feels good. not that it should, but it burns like I want to. it's a scratch that feels good in the moment, and once it is lost leaves you in pain for hours at a time. I'm fine, I'm great. stop turning this to hate. you said stop trying to make you feel bad, said the truth, guilt haunts you. do it to every girl you know, and wonder why when my feelings start to show. I'm sorry, I really am, maybe it's just my fault like I can't take the heat. i'll take accountability. overthinking, gets the best of me. I don't regret it like I said I did, cause it felt okay, and it left me feeling happy everyday. because if a kiss on the lips means you'll love me. I'd do it any day of the week. just wanted one on the cheek, but hey I won't complain. you tried to shut me up, cover my lips with yours. I won't complain. it wasnt that I particularly enjoyed it, but if you did than it made me feel better. the idea of the thought of you making me wetter sounds gross, but you left your tounge in my mouth and the taste was still there. well I guess it's all a waste, an experience at the best. stay my friend, he says I won't know until I try. but what do you mean? your leaving me so dry. hey, buddy pack it up. pack up your bags and leave. if that's what you mean. leaving you is like leaving me behind. your so so strange, your truly one of a kind. you remind me so much of myself it hurts, I feel like I'm looking in the mirror everytime I look into your eyes. identical, inside and out. we have the same feelings, we have the same doubt. reeling me in, like a fish on a string, same chord that you tried to sing. we went on the swingset and we acted like we were children again. nothing more than a good old friend. Ive known you such little time, and yet I've gotten to know you and call you mine. and then you change your mind, well that's fine, I'm great. that's interesting, your alright. you say you love me, just not the romantic kind. but your the one who made everything that way. you initiated everything, your idea, your touch, your intimate relationship with me. show me your insides, spill them out, bloody guts on the floor. leave you wanting more. this is your vulnerable side, well I'm sensitive so it's always mine. I'm fine, I'm great. thanks a lot for stealing my heart. gave you everything I could in such a short time. I wrote you songs, I tried to sing along. you played guitar and I admired from afar. it was all so worth it. or was it? you say you will be whatever I want you to be, but it's not true. I would've changed for you. but it's fine, it's great.