preventing neural necrosis: 03/08/2025

my apologies for missing yesterday, i was out, the a/c broke and the house was hotter than outside. i don't feel like i have much to talk about or any real revelations of the past day.

i woke up late, went to visit a friend, had dinner, then went to bed with a splitting headache (heat-induced). 

i got interrupted partway through writing this by a facetime call from a friend. she called me to tell me about the first guy that she has ever wanted to and has ever talked to in a 'more-than-friends' kind of way. so, that will be the discussion of this post. not her guy-friend (not official, can't call him a boyfriend...yet...), but instead intimacy. 

i have never been super extroverted. nor have i ever liked being around people. my social battery is very small even though i try my best to exercise it regularly. i've never been to a high school party, i haven't gone to a university party (i am trying my best to), i am limited in my use of substances, and i am even more distanced from relationships. 

after a failed highschool relationship with a guy that was more infatuated with the idea of me than me as a person, who i was attracted, or unattracted to, in this circumstance, in equal measure, i find myself now as an adult virgin. the most adventurous thing i have done in that category is kissing, close-mouthed. i think this is both in part due to the pressures i experienced in regards to challenging myself academically, but also in part to my own ministrations. i never allowed myself to be close to anyone, even as friends. 

growing up, i was a drifter. i didn't stay friends with anyone for more than a year or two, before either being kicked out, for whatever stupid reason kids come up with, moving schools, or just drifting away from people. luckily, i've managed to hold on to a few since high school and have been friends with them for more than three years. due to this, i never knew anyone to the same extent that their other friends did and i never had anyone know me. as time went on, i built up walls, not letting this affect me. 

humans are social creatures and i wasn't any less included in this statement, as much as i tried to distance myself from other people of my species. i craved the very thing that i wanted to reject, no matter how much i told myself i didn't want it. now, i want to have relationships that allow me to know others and be known to. i want to have someone who will lend me a shoulder to rest my head on, or who will hug me before we part. that's all anyone really wants. after food, water, shelter, warmth, and safety, humans search for friendship, for love, and for intimacy. at the end of the day, we all want to belong.

now, on to the issue at hand. i've established a good set of friends. a step above that on maslow's hierarchy of needs is beyond just the platonic. the friend that i've been seeing is... slightly more than a friend. and we both know that. unfortunately, for both of us, i have next to no experience in this situation. a very obvious lack of intimacy. 

i explained my situation with hopes that it will resonate for whoever reads this, but the main thing i want to talk about is how social distancing has become so normalized. humanity has moved from written letters and physical meetups to phone calls and text messages. we've lost a certain touch we once had with personality and affection, creating a sterile replacement instead. while treading this line between my youth and adulthood, i see both generations and their histories with companionship. my parents and their friends who communicated with loved ones through mail or short, expensive phone calls on one side and kids my age who jump headfirst into relationships after a few meetups. 

i don't intend to lament the loss of snail mail, but i am certain that digital means of talking has caused great depravity in regards to intimacy. i have a few personal recountings to support this idea. my friends, who, after moving to the same university, became intimate in an adult manner, only about a month after both had exited their respective relationships. my other friend who has already gained feelings for a coworker after less than 40 hours of seeing her. what has love come to? is it just a desperate grab at attention and a way to feel less alone in this world? kids these day race towards the end goal of having someone to call their own, to play with like some toy to fulfill the image of having a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a partner. 

I don't know if this phenomenon is brought about by social media and instant messaging, if it's caused by the ease of not seeing someone face-to-face, or if it's because communication and openness have become extinct in our modern day. love is the thing that makes humans human. it's what allows us to determine what's right and wrong, what pushes us to do our best. why has it changed to something so emotionless and solitary?

my thoughts on this subject are too tangled to explain further, but i do wish that people would slow down and talk, rather than to rush in to things that cause damage to themselves or others.

xoxo dee