Should i be cold?

I ask that question all the time should i just be cold because i know if i be soft people are gonna take advantage of me or they are gonna hurt me so should i creat a hard shell that i can go into so people won't hurt me 

Im already ok with being alone I've been alone for 18 years don't have any friends or a partner and i stopped looking for one because i got tired 

I really need a hug not a pack of cigarettes or a can of beer i just need human connection a deep connection with someone that understands the ocean of my thoughts so she can save me from drowning but i know at the end i need to get up because i cant wait for someone to help me but i just wish that someone will understand me 

When i saw a girl smile at me i just stood there like i got shot in the chest it was so painful and so good i know she was just being friendly but my dumb brain said no for some reason 

Im 18 now and i think I've been missing the affection that every normally gets i think that's why i feel something missing 

As a kid until now i used to do this one weird thing i used to cup my own cheeks and i pretend that someone was doing that or i used to pet myself on the head when i was sleeping dreaming about a girl running her fingers through my hair while she said some sweet things to me

I wish i was lucky to have someone to call my own but i walk this earth by myself i guess 

I hope things were different