0210210212 // 02-08-25

I've been fighting again, getting in brawls, rummaging for an emotion to awaken my sense of living freedom for a moment, a concussion that would make me beg for life in the face of Peter but nonetheless I felt only rage. Why can't I forget your name, this is that witchcraft I taught you. This is that witchcraft I helped you perfect, my aroma, the flames, the manifestations under the pillow. My head will always dream where yours rest. 

And I will be certain I am guilty, I've asked for it, I linked my soul unbeknownst to the power of my action. I played the role of a guardian who now has it's flesh made many in your husk, vanity is not important today as it was, I ran your blood with lust over my tongue but the odor of iron has gotten stuck to my nose, I've carried your love in a locket, the love I made with you imprisoned between metal and glass in a locket with the four clovers, sealed away your essence remains as an enemy. An enemy I treasure in your altar you made for me. 

I've been getting into fights, and I've started to win, I just stopped to worry and just repeated the patterns of music, energy cor meum stimulat. Stimulus that now hurts. And now I can win but I got asked "What can you say about this fight?" and I foolishly couldn't contain my stimulated heart who poured tears.

"I've won tonight, but my hands hurt and my wrists are killing me, I don't like the punches, the face. It hurts me too much for me to like winning, I'll lose and I'll try to do it better next time" And the face told me all, he knew I was bluffing but also knew there was reality. 

I don't need protecting myself, I don't need protection in my face or my crotch, I need the pain to inject to me as a wasp under the skin. I need the voice to tell me how to break them, how to exploit them into getting a right hook into a clinch. I need the details of the destruction I can give, I don't care he punches me still on feet, tell me how can I stay in ground to punish. 

I've been getting into fights, and I've been realizing the gravity of your life. I wish I knew more but I can't approach, like a nightly creature who lurks but can't catch, I'm sure you dreamed with me too, saw me in memories and songs, in places, I'm sure you remember my eyes as I remember yours. And I am sorry for getting it all eliminated from this phase. I'm sure I could break this bond we created but I don't think I'll be able to do it. I feel that tomorrow will bring us together in an unexpected and hateful way. You'll see my eyes one evening and you'll remember my life and I'll see yours and will forget it all. 

I've won, but my face hurts.

I'll lose and I'll be better.