I hate myself

Freshman year fucking sucked. I don’t even know where to start — it was straight-up awful. I walked in thinking maybe this would be a fresh start. Like, “Okay, new school, new people, maybe I’ll finally figure out who I am.” But instead, life came at me like, “LMAO, nope.” And it didn’t hold back.

At first, it wasn’t total shit. The first month gave me a little hope. I met some cool people, and somehow, I ended up dating my boyfriend during that time. That was probably the only thing keeping me sane  having someone who genuinely saw me, who didn’t treat me like I was just background noise. While everything else was falling apart, that one connection kept me from completely shutting down.

But everything else? Garbage. After that first little honeymoon phase of “this might actually be okay,” things went downhill fast. My so called friends started pulling away. No drama, no big fight they just slowly stopped caring. Stopped texting back. Stopped including me. It was like I was disappearing in real time, and no one noticed. Or maybe they noticed and just didn’t give a fuck.

I wasn’t the one anyone messaged first. I wasn’t the “favorite” friend. I was the afterthought. The backup. The quiet one who got invited just to even out the numbers, not because anyone actually wanted me there.

And yeah, I’m quiet. I know that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel shit. I was just trying to survive in a place that already felt like it didn’t want me. I didn’t trust anyone. I barely talked. I started hiding out in the girls’ bathroom during lunch sometimes to cry, sometimes just to not feel so damn awkward sitting alone. Eating lunch by a toilet because it felt safer than being ignored at a crowded table. That’s where I was at.

It hurt the most when people only talked to me when they needed something. Notes, answers, someone to dump their problems on. I gave and gave and got nothing back. Not even a little comfort. Not even a “hey, are you okay?” I was the emotional punching bag, the unpaid therapist, the background character in everyone else’s highlight reel.

And let’s not forget that one “friend” who acted like I was annoying as hell gave me dry-ass replies, barely made eye contact. But the second someone better walked up, suddenly they had jokes, smiles, energy. Like watching them turn into a whole different person right in front of me. It made me feel invisible. Replaceable. Worthless.

I kept asking myself, “What’s wrong with me?” Why was I always the extra? Why wasn’t I enough for people to actually care about?

But through all that shit, my boyfriend stayed. We started dating early on literally the first month of school  and somehow, he saw me when I was buried in all that insecurity and silence. He never made me feel like I had to fight for attention. He listened. He cared. He actually liked me not for what I could do for him, but just for being me.

It didn’t magically fix everything. I still felt broken most days. But he was the one real thing in a year that otherwise made me feel like I didn’t exist. He reminded me that even if I felt invisible to everyone else, I wasn’t completely alone.