I dont know what I am... help :(! [long post]

HOMOPHOBES DNI (ㆆ_ㆆ)

TLDR: Im probably a lesbian in distress and in delusion (very VERY bad delusion)

I've only had "romantic feelings" for a boy back in 5th grade which was years ago. I found his love really overwhelming. To a point, i think I reciprocated his feelings- but I didnt like the idea of being in a relationship with him at all. It got really bad when he started saying he would ask me out on a date and I got repulsed by the idea. Plus, It scared me so much. Idk i think it was a little bit of an irrational fear? On a field trip, he proposed to me with a plastic toy ring my friend gave him. It was a joke but the simple sight of him proposing literally made me sprint to the bathroom in a cold sweat. For the longest time I thought I was straight until (THIS IS GOING TO SOUND REALLY DUMB HEAR ME OUT PLEASE) i fell hard for latte cookie from crk.... PLEASE TAKE THIS POST SERIOUSLY!! THIS IS A BIT EMBARRASSING... But I was so infatuated with this fictional girl that I started to dream about her at night. Daydreams about me being gfs with latte cookie literally distracted me from school work and my grades plummeted for 3 years and did irreparable damage to my transcript. And I couldnt return to playing crk knowing me x latte cookie wasnt real LMAOOO I WAS SO OBESSED WITH THIS WOMAN... She was my gay awakening

look at her. Shes so beautiful and amazing...... I still love her btw im just not as obsessed as I was b4

On the other hand, a few years ago I got asked out on a date by a really pretty girl!! She was charismatic, confident, SO FUNNY, kind, genuine, and literally so far out of my league. From my knowledge, she had kissed a girl before but hadn't dated one yet. ANYWAYS BACK TO STORY... She showed up late to our date but I didnt care much. We talked but it wasnt very romantically charged? More like super close friends. Then we talked about how we felt abt people we knew and we shared a cheese cake! It was rlly fun but there wasnt lovey dovey stuff (idk if i was supposed to do lovey dovey stuff/ be the one to engage in it? It was my first date and it was just fun to be around her.) THEN SHE DATED A MAN A FEW DAYS AFTER OUR DATE!??!??! WHAT

The same year i went on a date, i was friends with another lesbian! she talked about how men made her feel uncomfy and i was like yess!! same! NEXT YEAR SHE STARTED TO DATE A MAN... 

Note; No shame to any of these girls! They are literally precious and amazing and stunning. Im just frustrated at the lack of lesbians around bc I see myself in their experiences and felt nice being so close to another woman...

timeskip to more recent times, i had a MASSIVE crush on this one girl who was my type to a T. Dyed hair (bleached) and seemed to be a nerd. I was pining for her sooo bad!!! Plus, she was the one to sit next to me first. my heart jumped out of my chest when she did that!! in class, we would sometimes be paired up and I WAS SOOO HAPPY EVERYTIME WE INTERACTED EVEN IF IT WAS SOMETHING SMALL LIKE PASSING SOMETHING TO HER!! Then she turned out to be straight ＞﹏＜
 
Now, I've been fantasizing about having a rich partner that looks a bit masculine but also femmine at the same time with blonde bleached hair. They would buy me a bunch of stuff and would be super good at games (to carry me ofc hehe). Pluss they would be a bit awkward but super passionate about their interests and I would listen to them talk. they would want to hug and cuddle with me all the time!! We would soft launch each other in those cute pinterest like poses. And everyone would want what we have! But its been driving me crazy because they are only in my head and not at all real. I cant hug them because theyre just a fantasy :( The thought of them is eating me up and distracting me so much. Like. I was practicing driving with my dad and I turned recklessly and was speeding even when I didnt mean to because I was thinking of them. I cant sleep at night because im imagining talking to them. Its fucking up my routine and ive started to pull all nighters just thinking about them...

Extra rant; Im not sure how to describe it but i feel like ive been utterly consumed by my daydreams. Like, i cant control them at all. Ive had to take several breaks to pace around my room, listen to romantic music, and day dream about scenarios about them. One day dream in particular thats always replaying is one where I invite them over to open up christmas presents with my family. They bring gifts as well for everyone in my family. Each gift is something luxurious and expensive which gets me and my family out of upper lower class. 

Im so exhausted being single but now i dont think i want anyone else other than this dream girl ive made in my head. I was thinking about joining dating apps and even discord servers just because I want a gf so bad. But know most of the people I see wont look or resemble the dream girl ive been fantasizing about. Pluss theres the factor of physical appearance... Im not unattractive i think. In the past, ive had like 4 guys show romantic interest in me. Because of this, ive learned to hate having male friendships because they end up confessing to me and i cant feel the same way, thus we cant return to just being friends. Ive also had random guys try and pick me up when in public. Its really uncomfortable just interacting with men for me... But all girls are just so pretty and intimidating to talk to. UGH IM SOOOOO FRUSTRATED (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)