i hate teaching

i've been studying to become a portuguese teacher (i'm brazillian) since 2023 and last year i started working at a school. i did like it at first but after seeing how everything really works behind the scenes i kinda got disillusioned with everything. 

i was pretty innocent when i chose this for myself. i underestimated the weight that came with becoming a teacher.. all day i have to deal with these kids who dont want to read and dont want to learn basic interpretation skills. the school i work in focuses more on preparing the children to become more rich than they already are (evrybody is pretty much rich, children of politicians and/or big lawyers and doctors).

these people really do not care about books or writing. it pisses me off. thats what makes me hate teaching - how will i teach if these kids dont give a shit about what im teaching? on top of that, their parents are used to being terrible people to regular workers, so the kids learn from them, obviously. i have to deal with lack of interest and also blatant disrespect all the time. its so fucking tiring.

they already make things bad enough, but there are also the teachers who are so fucking mean to each other for no reason. im still an intern and some teachers act like we have to serve them! give me a break! there's one specific teacher who acts like interns dont even exist, he doesnt even say good morning to us - if there are 9 interns and 1 teacher in a room he will only speak to the teacher. wtf is wrong with this guy.

not to mention this one teacher who is always "skipping class" while i am doing what she was supposed to do. almost everyday she has "something to do" and i have to think of something to keep the kids in class doing their work even though they dont listen to me.

its so fucking exhausting and humiliating.

outside of my work in this school, im a private portuguese tutor. i only have one student and i intend to keep it that way. its way less tiring and i have full control of what im doing, but i still dont really like it. i only do it because i need money. but i cant help but feel like im wasting my time...

thank god i spent half of this month on break and the other half i was working at the school's library. i feel good when i work at the library. its a job that i would like to have. there are so many things that i know would make me happy.

working at a library, organizing the books and learning new things about librarianship; or maybe translating books and documents; i also have the dream of writing children's books. i guess that i just care too much about language and literacy lol, everything i want to do is related to books and information. but i think im right, especially in the time we are in..

but... everything still seems very out of touch. with the rise of A.I, all of these jobs that i mentioned seem to have no future. i know that an A.I will never do a better job than an actual person who knows about archiving books, or translation, or writing; but nobody cares about that anymore. everybody wants things immediately - they dont give a shit about quality anymore.

this makes me so sad. i wish that the world didnt come to this. we are SO far gone. A.I is pretty much in everything and there is nothing we can do.

i will never stop caring about the things that i care about. there has to be a way that i can do what i want to do. i just dont see myself being a teacher, and im already miserable being an intern. everybody says that the problem is just the school im in, but i seriously dont think so. i just dont want to do this, i dont want to be an educator. the thought of it makes me tired and sad. 

but just because i dont want to be an educator, that doesnt mean that i dont care about education. librarianship, translation, writing - i see these things as an extention of education. i will still be contributing, and i guess thats what i want. i used to feel bad about thinking this way but now i dont. 

i just want things to work out. im working really hard and i will never stop.