preventing neural necrosis: 01/08/2025

alright, so i did actually miss yesterdays entry, but that's alright. i was busy studying.

life recently has been looking up for me! i got an interview for a job, so hopefully i will no longer be unemployed. as well, i finally (after over a year) decided to make a big purchase that i've been putting off. i'm glad. 

besides that, i don't think much happened yesteryday. i studied, took care of my great aunt's cat, had fish n chips (bc it was friday). i made plans to go visit this guy i've been seeing (more on that in a separate post i think). and i pulled my hamstring yesterday. pain. not much else besides that, i suppose. 

now that i've graduated into adulthood... sigh... i've had a whole lot more freedom. specifically financial freedom. and unfortunately, i have grown up in a capitalistic society my entire life. i sit here, surrounded by items i have collected, been given, or bought over the years and am quite utterly appalled by the extent to which i have engrained myself in something i so thoroughly despise. i have a debit and credit card, a savings account for my university tuition, a chequing account, the list goes on. soon, i will be opening accounts for retirement. when did life become all about these numbers? my net worth? was it when i spent long-weekend holidays scouring gravel parking lots for forgotten coins so my sisters and i could share a drink from a dilapidated vending machine? or maybe when i spent my seventh summer reading books to enter in a library contest for a chance at winning a gift card? 

but i know. i know when life became about numbers and little slips of paper meant to represent worth. it was when my father was tracking how long he spent driving to work so he could track his fuel usage. when my grandparents had to grow potatoes and cabbage in their yards to scrape by during winters. it was long before that, when metal was melted into small discs, passed between hands. it's always been around us, since burial grounds turned into burial huts and when patronus held power over clientela. 

i still mourn for what could have been without this human greed. this desire for more. i wouldn't care if i had to give up the keyboard i am using to write this post or the ability to transform a written language into a line of symbols. i would give up my literacy, these objects that surround me, so long as my life wasn't about numbers. and don't get me wrong, i love numbers. but i don't want the importance of someones worth to be determined by the numbers that represent their net worth. it's a terrible thing that humanity has become so far removed from what it's meant to be. love, passion, and art, all to be replaced with greed, frigidity, and apathy. i am just as much a player in this game as the people at the top, unable to escape from this mouse trap we've set up for ourselves. 

i hate to say it, but there's not much that can be done. even to remove myself from this spider-web of money, i would have to pay up. either with my relationships, my future, or access to services and goods that would allow me to be healthy. i would have to pay up to buy a small plot of land in order to live off the grid in the first place. 

this hole we have been digging is starting to look a lot more like a grave the more i examine it. 

xoxo dee