i am just terribly sad

TW self harm and pitiful whinings

consider this entry as an escape for my mind and nothing more, i might laugh a bit later. i just need this out of my fckin chest

hi,

sorry i haven't been around much. needed to (and still do) take care of so many things lately. i feel so terribly sad and alone. i feel like the whole world is resting on my shoulders, asking me to move faster, do better. i'm being constantly yelled at and so nastily insulted by my own mother. she hates my guts yet doesn't let me go live my life. so i tried to kill myself two times in the past two weeks, finally settled to only cut my thighs. i am at a breaking point and i don't think anyone actually sees it besides my online friend lia. in two months' time, my mother and i will possibly, quite literally, end up homeless. i've been calling non-stop landlords and real estate agencies for more than a month now nd nothing substantial has come up. on top of everything, i have to deal with a narcissistic mother who expects miracles from me and a boyfriend who can't formulate what he wants and leaves me in total uncertainty for days.

i have to deal with everything everything and god forbid if the little woman dares to forget a thing. i have to pay the bills, make sure everything is in order. i have to take the appointments with social services, with the flats to visit, with the hospital, with the doctors, with the renting storage place (idk how you call those storage boxes where you leave your things), with the schools, with... with... with. i also have to make a budget but not too much or i'll get yelled at and insulted and not too little or we won't be able to pay the deposit. i need to remember everything she likes and dislikes, basically walking on eggshells 24/7. i'm expected to do the talking during the appointments. i need to call and explain our situation for the billionth time to everyone just for the mere hope someone will have a shadow of a solution. i need to be a doctor and i need to have a job and i need to be perfect and beautiful and skinny... or not, cause now i'm too flat (her words), and i need to change the past and never do whatever the hell the 7-year-old girl did wrong.

whatever.

i've kept silent and ignored her for a few days now, and we are at the guilt-trip part, right between "you fckin btch, i wish i had abandoned you, you have no idea how much i hate you" and "what did i do to deserve this, i did everything for you" (keep in mind that i haven't said a thing and continued to work to find us a home and myself a job all alone... yeah, what a disgusting little brat i am.)

i don't know what to do anymore. i feel so drained and broken from the inside out. i bury myself in films and tv shows and live a parasocial life with a few people online. i've been diagnosed with c-ptsd, hypervigilance, and depression. life is good. might watch something dumb later like maze runner (i actually love that sht) just to feel a bit less desperate.

love