Remembering and forgetting

sometimes I think back to this time last year

me a few months ago probably would’ve gotten sick if she had to think back in the past but I like to think that I have grown

I get this hopeful feeling now, me last year wold be so proud to see that im actually doing okay for once in my life, of course sometimes my stomach turns into knots when I remember that,  that girl doesn’t know about what’s about to come and I could’ve been better, but then I remember that she was just a kid, a kid searching for her place in the world wanting to be loved by anyone who could care enough to know me just a little bit,so if you put things into perspective I did the best I could with what I knew at the time and im okay with that.

I had 3 talking stages last year all in the span of two months and all 3 with the same guy, it was in April-May and that was my love life for 2024,and im proud to say that my dating life has been much better than last year and that’s one of the reasons why I think past Layla would be happy with me now, something she would hate is the fact that I find like every male actor hot, see me last year was very picky the only men who I liked was Peeta Mellark and Josh Hutcherson and now I could write an essay on every single one of the actors who live in my “oh my fine shyt” folder on TikTok

but back to dating, I had a massive crush on this one guy who definitely just wanted to be friends and wasted months trying to get out of the friend zone,of course there is the graveyard of talking stages that lasted 3 days in my dms,but a month ago this one guy stood out ,a kid from middle school who I used to be friends with, i think what I liked was that instead of the “your so fine”  “smash”  “ur pretty” he messaged me saying my music taste was good, at first I wanted to ghost him but something told me to keep going and Im honestly glad I did, he’s nice, sweet,respectfull and cute and nothing feels forced so thumbs up to me, and today he literally gave me a hug!I sound insane and crazy but it was really great

I think this is proof that you should do things out of your comfort zone,we’re not going out yet but if he asked me I think I would say yes

I feel like most of my life I was trying so hard to be different and be tough and not interested in guys because I thought they were all bad that I forgot how nice it felt to have someone think that you’re pretty and care about you, I missed out on a lot but im trying to make up for it and so far I think its good

of course there will be bad moments, getting dumped, friendship drama, doing bad in tests, getting in trouble with parents but I think that those tiny bits that make you feel like you’re in a movie make up for it

this is longer than I wanted it to be but its okay

signing off,

Layla

xoxo