isolation

a lifeless struggle. a poor excuse. i've been so bad at keeping in touch lately. its not your fault. ought to be better. flimsy soul. i just live in my own world. tonight i'll get some good sleep. who is that again. seen 13 days ago. had a great time. i keep forgetting what i care about. told you so. it's anyone's guess. everybody can tell. funny seeing you here. abandoned draft. this deadline has passed.

so hard to anchor myself right now . i know i'll be normal soon. and it'll repeat again in a few months .these slumps are eternal - ever fleeting. wish i could finish any of my projects. wish i could stop forgetting how to be excited every morning.

i turned off suggested posts and my youtube app is dying so now i just stare at a blank white screen. procrastinating my escapism  . watching tv is so much effort.

im freakishly not anxious. i meet someone new everyday . they laugh . not all the jokes land. its okay. i laugh  . i think . we will never be anything more than surface level acquantances. fill my calander with events. show up to a third of them. do it for the free pizza. now you're too hungry to think. make your own events  . forget to tell anyone. procrastinate having fun again. where do the days go  . cant remember a single thought.

you know the platitudes so live them. envy your past. forgive it all so you can be dissapointed once more. waste your clocks on a losing horse . it could all be so much worse

never so cut and white. i finally replied to a dm today . reached out to two more. if i save another will i drag myself up too. i just miss them . miss the life happening before your eyes. become your groomer. all will pass.

played a nice game with the old group. its so clear that she hates me. its all in my head. the others are okay but i wouldnt bother with me either. like anyone has a choice. the niceties sting. back in primary being ousted from the cool kids. my first love. face flush recalling it all . a terrible secret . pricked hard so i'm stuck on this cactus evermore. its all so distant now. saw my aunt in hospital. "why am i only seeing you now". kidney failure no oxygen. go home and watch six episodes of house md until your numbness goes limp.

i dont think she realises. i dont think she should. the wheels spin endlessly just when im behind to push. cant let mum be right. wish it wasnt too late to meet the flatmates.

feel so new with my pincushion. the most beautiful chewtoy for the laziest mutt. dont rub my cheeks or i'll start wondering who i become. respite. the moon wanes but the honey tastes just as sweet. life is a cycle of variable constants. i promise its not like that. need to fill my bodypillow with bricks. i cant hold him down when we wrestle anymore. i'll keep trying till im a doll once more. fate.

my brother's coming up this weekend. he's asleep beside me. what do i ever fill my life with. maybe the tsunami's just a day late. always time for another minecraft video. minimising the ebook when the train conductor comes around. my memories are thin façades. why did i compare it to reg. should've bought that poster , doesn't feel so scary anymore. time seals all wounds , dont get trapped in the chasms beneath.

still shocked i gave up last semester. i need to take more photos. job market is a state of mind. im dragging you to china with me babe you have no choice im becomingly increasingly sincere about this day by day. mansplainer power scaling. there's never a good place to end.