My identity journey(queer alert weewooweewoo)

(this one’s really long. sorry. also public diary idk how i feel about that lolz)

It’s your favorite rambler! Pez! yeah yeah (imaginary clapping) ladies, ladies, one at a time.

Ok, but seriously, I wanna talk about something important to me.. me! I’m talking about myself! 

Identity is what makes someone unique, and as someone who is neurodivergent, this is something extremely important to me. Of course, this was a HUGE journey and I still have a long long long way to go. Will I ever truly be done? Probably not. But honestly, who is?

A huge part of my identity is, who could’ve guessed, being queer. Rahh gay alert! I’m secretly homophobicJOKE

Ok but seriously, all of this started even when I was like, five years old. I’ve never felt like a real girl, just like I was playing a part. I would always point out the ways I was different from other girls or the ways I was similar to boys. I really wanted to be a boy. Everyone around me told me it was dumb and I shouldn’t feel that way. Guess where I ended up? Of course, I didn’t pay much mind to it until..

Puberty. The beginning of it all. I found the LGBT community and was almost fascinated. People, rejecting those norms and just being themselves. Sounded like a dream come true. I remember when I first came out as lesbian. Those were simpler times.

I went through a lot of phases during that time, experimenting with what labels felt right. I was non-binary for a little bit but had no support so it didn’t stick.

I remained lesbian for a long while. Honestly, still am. I remember when one of my friends came out as non-binary(I think now genderfluid) a few years later and it really shook my world, reminding me of myself. This brought me to question my own identity again, but I didn’t really do much.

I found more friends and they were also very supportive. I finally came out of my shell and experimented with various gender labels, and my friend came out as non-binary. He’s now a man, and still one of my bestest friends.

While experimenting, I went through so many labels. Unlabeled, genderfluid, bigender, apagender, then eventually landed on transmasc. Along with catgender.

I thought, wow, I’ve finally got it figured out. Just a few more aroace labels, and I’ve got it…

Until very recently. My gender has felt like a mess. I’ve come to a conclusion; I’m genderfluid, and yknow what? Hell yeah. I don’t mind one bit(except my mind feels very conflicted about my expression). One funny thing though, I don’t like when people use they/them on me. Crazy, right? It just feels off and distant, but that’s just me personally! So, here’s the list of my labels now: Genderfluid, catgender, lesboy, something masculine aligned idfk, objectum, and ten million other aroace labels.

Also, another thing, when I came out as transmasc, so many other people came out with their gender. Guess I’m just that good at making people crack their shell. Or something.

Thanks for reading this rant heh ok buh bye