Loneliness

Last post before bed:

The problem with being ignored growing up to still being ignored in adulthood is that you become so use to being alone that loneliness and even isolation becomes normal and it’s hard to talk to others who genuinely want to get to know you and even friends and family because of deep rooted trust issues. So deep within the ocean of loneliness that it’s hard to reach the surface for air. I’m trying but it’s difficult. I like being alone and not talking to anyone but I hate loneliness. I like being to myself but I hate isolation. Being alone protects me yet isolation makes me vulnerable
My room is quiet right now since it’s 3 in the morning, the witching hour or devil’s hour. The only sound is coming from my light breathing and the white, dusty fan, filling my room with a gentle noise that soothes my anxiety enough for me to actually want to go to sleep without this irrational fear of having nightmares and entering an eternal sleep that has plagued me since childhood. I always contemplate a lot at this time and I’m contemplating once again about the loneliness and isolation I’ve always felt. How it put me in a bubble that is uncomfortable yet comforting. What is loneliness? For me, it’s simply being seen through like a window. Sometimes I feel like a ghost and sometimes I like it. This isn’t one of those nights