A poem called "Trying"

Trying 

I love my family, don't have me mistaken

They do so much for me

Care with all their heart

At least, i hope they do.

Im not always the best at expressing my feelings

Bubbles leave my throat as i start to cry

Arguments are always hard

So why does he always start them?

A break on the weekend

The burn in his throat loosening his tongue 

He has more to say

A sensitive man

He has so much passion

So why is he such an ass?

I want to care for him,

I know i can fix him.

Problems before my birth haunt his memory

I wish i could have met him before i was born.

Do i stress him out?

Every word i say spit back at me 

I try to comfort him in anyway i know,

He thinks we all hate him.

Water and oil

Yet so alike

Antisocial in behavior 

Dismissive in fights 

So why every night does he make us seem to different?

My mother cries 

She never cries

I love my family, and it hurts to see them fight.

She thinks he's out to get her 

He thinks she's ungrateful 

I try not to think anymore.

The smoke clouds my room in a wisp of guilt and shame 

Every drag I take reminding me why I started.

At least thats something im good for,

Trading unhealthy coping mechanisms like collectors cards.

My breath is thick anytime im downstairs,

Tension sinks me impossibly deeper.

Its never good enough for people.

I go to school everyday.

I put so much effort into life,

Yet its never enough. 

I don't have a job, i have no reason to be upset.

My parents don't hit me, i have no reason to be upset.

Im alive, i have no reason to be upset.

I don't think they understand just how upset I am.

I don't think they understand the anger I have pent up inside myself.

All the forgotten words that I will always remember.

All the fucked up words that have slipped from peoples mouths when their drunk.

I remember it all, even if their hangover makes them forget. 

I hate feeling this way. 

All my life I've been told i have no reason to be upset.

My father is a hardworking man.

My mother has gone through so much trauma.

My eldest brother misses his children.

My other brother has always had "a screw loose". 

My friends all have problems too. 

I have no reason to complain,

My problems overcasted by guilt 

How can i complain about my father when some people are raped and beaten by theirs?

How can i complain about my mother when others get disowned by theirs?

How can I complain about my mental health when other people cant even remember how old they are?

How can I complain about not feeling "manly" enough when some get killed over being trans?

I have nothing wrong with me.

So why do i isolate myself to much.

Why do i breakdown in tears when I get one bad grade.

Why cant i handle being isolated in groups of people?

Why can't i spend a day without wishing I wasn't sober.

I can't quit now either. 

If i focus more on myself, care less about my grades,

They will always blame it on something else. 

Unsaid expectations haunt my mind.

The first of three to not drop out.

The first of three to go to college.

I can make art, i need to do something with it.

Im smart, i cant fail.

Im spoiled, i cant complain. 

I dont know why i let myself care.

Its been like this for years.

The family portrait i painted myself years ago slowly cracking away.

I never wanted this for myself. 

I promised myself i would never smoke. 

I PROMISED myself i would never drink. 

I promised myself i wouldnt be like them. 

Yet when i look at my friends, and how i lash out at them whenever im slightly upset,

I get so upset.

This isnt me.

I hate the person ive grown to be.

I wish i could have never been different.

Average grades, 

Average emotions,

Average personality,

Average interests. 

I hate everything that makes me ME.