thought process.

why do you go to course?

because my two friends went there. 

where are they?

they dont come in as often anymore. one of them cant come in at all because of a job-seekers benefit.

why do you still stay?

because i need the qualifications.

what for?

electrician work, becoming a sparky.

do you want to become a sparky?

no. i dont have any motivation to do so whatsoever nor do i believe id make a good one.

do you keep up with your work?

no. i just learned that despite being the second most consistent in appearing to course, im one of the furthest behind. 

how come that is? 

i procrastinate and cannot for the life of me find a reason to actually work.

why do you still want the qualification?

because electricians make a lot of money.

why do you need the money? 

to survive.

why do you want to survive?

to see the next day and what happens afterwards.

why's that?

it might get better.

it's been almost six months.

it might get better.

the odds are far lower than i think you realise, why dont you give up?

it'll have to eat me from the inside out before i consider it.

if that's so, why are you having this false argument with yourself?

it helps.

why not go to someone you can trust?

there's no one left.

what about him?

he's too fragile. he doesn't deserve the weight of my problems.

what about her?

she's probably crazier than i am.

what about mother dearest?

she wouldn't begin to understand.

what about that counsellor you were going to talk to?

they haven't responded, i haven't heard anything since the initial meeting.

what about?-

we're smart enough to not even consider them.

do you like the people you surround yourself with?

not quite. theyre loud and annoying and it gets hard to have a fulfilling conversation with them.

do you ever have fulfilling conversations?

rarely. 

let me ask again. why do you try? 

it might get better. 

what is your motive for living?

i'll find one.

why do you still believe that?

i'm not sure.

are you certain you'll find one eventually?

no, my confidence would obviously waver after years of wear and tear.

then why bother if it's not guaranteed?

because i find it slightly less cowardly than not trying at all.

does having the equivalent of an imaginary verbal fight in the shower make you feel good?

not sure, but it beats letting the emotions fester inside me until they make me entirely non-functional.

why lie to yourself?

it's not a lie, it's putting those thoughts on trial. it's one of the only things my previous counsellor managed to get into my thick skull.

did you have to make this blog so cheesy?

i like this, admittedly. it feels like getting it off my chest without the struggle of talking to someone.

did you have to make a blog at all?

well hey, id like to have some sort of outlet that isn't just bottling it in the computer instead of my soul.

are you going to keep doing this?

definitely not all the time. maybe i should learn how to actually make layouts first.