she said im a star, but i wont last

I feel so silly. I've always been told that im good, im good when it comes to being creative, endearing, interesting—whatever, I've just always been told that im good. 

I used to just brush off these compliments and move on with my day, but then i stopped. i stopped not caring about what every good and bad thing people had to say about what i do. I could be drawing, I could be writing, I could be doing whatever i enjoy, but whatever i enjoyed had to be done in a way that made it less me. Do you understand? 

Let's say i was drawing, my drawings are always very messy, but they're so messy that you could always tell that i put MYSELF on that page of yellow-lined paper. I know im messy, and i know people liked that, and i like that people liked that. But then, I got too caught up in being messy because people liked it, I forgot what the whole reason of being messy was for. Suddenly, I stopped putting myself on that yellow-lined piece of paper.

This caused my internal downfall!!!

So I got caught up in being what people liked me as, I stopped being genuine. I forgot what I actually liked, I stopped trying new things when it came to any form of art, and just focused on what got people to like me and my work best. 

Compliments!! Compliments!!! Compliments!!!!!

Suddenly, that was the only thing i cared about, it made me feel good, and my head was up in the clouds. I started reading things online more. Like on websites such as AO3, where there are plenty of talented aspiring writers, and I realized that Im not as good as I put myself out to be. I realized my writing is no longer messy, as in passionate and authentic, it was messy as in long, boring, and, well, sort of corporate. Then it came to my art, I know artists will always see their art as nothing special, but I just hate most of my drawings. I can put as much passion as I want into a simple doodle, but I will never see it as anything more than that. I never feel anything from my writings or drawings. 

When I reread some of my things I feel like it's a geeky loser trying to sound deep. But, Im not!!! My writing is all about how i actually feel, but I guess my wording is what makes it seem like that, right. I want people to feel something from my words, or even from my drawings, but how can that really happen, when I, the creator, feel nothing but embarrassment from my own work. 

I convinced myself that I was a star, and maybe I was, but i fell. 

And boy, did I fall hard </3