2021.12.14 - A Monologue in Depression

It's hard finding the means for self-expression, fearing judgment from those who don't understand, or worse, from those who do and simply don't care. Perhaps that's what makes spacehey so appealing--no one is going to even see this post unless they really want to, meaning that most likely the reader is a person who really cares. Here, one can be honest about how one truly feels, without fear of the repercussions.

Sometimes, it feels like there isn't any hope. Like all the world is falling apart and there's nothing anyone can do to save it, because we're all too busy trying to be self-important to realize what's at stake. Sometimes it feels like nothing is ever going to turn out right, like the only thing to look forward to is an eventual tombstone that says, "yes, the suffering is finished." Fighting for a better future is exhausting, and its so easy to despair when it looks like we're not making any progress. Is there really any hope?

I am told that there will come a day when the world will face judgment for its deeds, at which time we will all give an honest, unadulterated account of our lives, good or bad. I am told that, at such a time, there is only thing that will make the difference between being sentenced to eternal suffering and being granted entry into paradise with our benevolent maker is whether or not we had surrendered and pledged our lives fully and truly to the Messiah, the Christ, Jesus of Nazareth, crucified and raised again from the dead by the power of God.

I am told that this momentary affliction is but a vapor in the wind compared to the everlasting glory of living in the presence of God.

Even still, I often feel hopeless. I feel despair. I feel like all that I do is vain. What is worth while in this world? What is worth doing at all, when all turns to ash and dust? This is the mystery with which my soul wrestles.

I am offered counsel by a wise sage, an ancient king from an ancient kingdom, Solomon in Jerusalem:

What then? How does this resolve the matter of the crashing world which surrounds me? It is resolved simply in this: The world is crashing, burning, plummeting into the abyss, but this is not to be of our prime concern. Our priority is that we conduct ourselves always in fear (reference and awe) of God, doing good deeds to others in love as we have been first loved by God, in that he sent his only begotten son Jesus to die for our sins that whoever might believe in him should not perish but have everlasting life. After all, he did not come into the world to condemn the world, as the world was condemned already, but rather he came to save.

The Word of God restores my soul, heals my spirit, brings me peace. Forgive my insistence upon the veracity of the Scriptures--I have never encountered its like before, and expect not that I should ever find its equal. No other purported "holy" text affects my spirit like this; no other text is "alive" in such a way as to electrify my soul despite having read some portions now more than a thousand times.

I feel better.