I dont think even heaven knows how miserable i am now

I feel like my life is—or maybe even already has, gone to shit

 I know thats a strong and very teenage edgy way to start off a rant, but I have no idea where else to start. For me to write down exactly why I feel the way I do would take ages. It would, I know this sounds cliché, have to start from when I was just a kid, really. I doubt many people will read this and care; I doubt many people will acknowledge this, so I dont know why I have this need to explain everything. I can only truly assume its because nobody has ever believed my side of things for almost my whole life, so I tend to explain a lot more than I need too. This need should be going away. Youre not bias towards me, I mean I hope not; you dont know me, you dont know how I think or feel about myself, youre just a bored fella scrolling on random categories, some that might not even interest you, and reading whatever you find alluring from the very limited stories that others have shared on said category.  This should give me all the more reason to just say my shit and leave, but Im so scared that you, whoever you are, might think im being dramatic that I just need to tell you everything. Really, if you think about it, this gives me all the more reason to share, and it gives you all the more reason to stay and learn something about one of eight billion people that you didnt know existed.

I'm all over the place, my writing is messy and I dont know how to fix that. I understand that writing is all about what goes on in your head, so when i write like Pete Wentz high off of nail polish and whiteout, its because my brain and my thoughts are like Pete Wentz high off of nail polish and white out. My thoughts are moving too fast; I have, i think, 7 fresh cuts bleeding, my dad yelling at my mom in the room next to mine, 2 loud and annoying fans on, my room being very humid, and Tragic Girl by Weezer playing in my right earbud. I was also sniffing nail polish like Pete Wentz high off of nail polish a minute ago. I hate the sound of my dad and moms muffled screams, they sound so aggressive and so annoyed at eachother. It hurts, man. I think about all the good moments that theyve had, I can only name a handfull. The most recent is when my dad took us out to a place called Windsor Palace, it was fun.

 Im muslim and arab, so my family is pretty big, but it doesnt feel that way. My oldest brother, who is 27 already started a family and left, my dad caused him and his wife a lot of problems. My dad ruined my brother's childhood. 

My second oldest brother is a rude piece of shit Pete Wentz high off of nail polish who body shamed and degarded me my whole life to make me feel nothing more than an overweight cow who is incompetent, his words not mine. I remember this one time I was making gravy for poutine, he came up from his room in the basement and called me stupid for doing it wrong. I kept saying "ok, ok, ok" and he was in my face and said, "no, not okay," then raised his voice and called me a moron for not understanding how to make it. I was crying then he started mocking me, he wouldnt let me leave, I felt like I couldnt is maybe a better way to phrase it, and then he said "Youre like this because you were sheltered." Which is so wrong, Im like this because im scared of you. I wouldnt get all nervous if you werent here. I then cried, like screamed that in his face, I told him, no, its him, hes the reason im lime this, im scared of him and I want him to leave me alone. But he didnt, he laughed in my face, and wouldnt leave until it was finished. I ran to my room and he came to my door then said something like, "hey, i know you may not like me, but im just doing this to toughen you up. im doing this because i want ylu to one day have the courage to tell me to fuck off."

 kill yourself, i hate him so much. How in the nail polish fuck can you make me feel worthless my whole life and then say youre trying to toughen me up? He used to scream in my face and convince me I was overweight for my age, he used to rip out any chocolate bar i had in my hand and scold me. Itd get so bad I would hide in the washroom whenever I wanted anything sugary, id sit on the dirty, gross, wet floor eating my fuckingggg kitkat, then dug through the trash until i reached the bottom of the bin to put my, now empty, kitkat wrapper in there. I was eight.

 This would go on, and when my parents would yell at him and tell him to stop, Id get shit, not from them, but from him. He'd act like he was the one deserving of an apology. I used to cut myself in 6th grade, he found out, screamed a little, called me selfish, then switched up and then gave me a halfassed apology. Literally all he sajd was, "was it me who made you do it? Im sorry." i guess he thought it was all fine and dandy because i didnt stop cutting. He screamed a lot this time, called me a careless bitch, said I didnt have a proper reason to do it, and said i couldve just talked to him. just talk to him. like yeah man, i know you switch up on me, treat me like im a pig and then talk to me like nothing happened the next day, i know you call me names, but id love to tell you how i feel horrible and miserable. Crazy work. Anyways, he told me I have to tell everyone in the family so that i wont ever do it again. i hate him, I dont know how many times i need to tell him or my family that im scared of him, that im nervous and feel like crying when his around. Writing this down, made me realize something, actually realize something. He ruined my life, he didnt save it. 

I have 2 older sisters, one im really close to and another who complains about not being close to anyone while also being very judgemental, loud and ignorant, not willing to change the way she acts in order to build a connection that she says she needs so bad. Shes never home, she switches up, she tells me how i should dress when wearing a hjjab, while she is out here in a tight and short "modest" dress, going to hang out with her friends at night. I love my second oldest sister, but i dont know who or what I look forward too coming home.

I dont want to be here, ive tried to take my own life quite a few times, but theres always this war that starts in my head when im tightening the noose, of my headscarf attached to the door knob, around my throat. I made plans, i gave away a lot of my things, i saved up my money, I was the best student, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, it was tiring, but I gave myself 2 weeks. i did all these things, 4 times, just for me to chicken out. Now all i can do is cut, take too many pills, sniff gasoline when no one is home, which is often, to get a rush, to feel good, to not be here. I want to escape, but i dont know where. 

Lots of other things have happened in my life, it seems interesting, but its depressing. So much horrible family shit has happened and i dont think i can write it all out. I have no one to go home too. My parents marriage is falling apart again, I wake up at night just to hear them screaming, only for them to end the night off in the same bed. This would happen when i was little as well. I recall on my closest sister's birthday we came up from the basement to hear my mom and dad shouting and then my dad hurting my mom. My mom never cried much, shes a strong woman, but, in the handfull of times that i have, she'd look so tired and, well, miserable. Same goes for my dad. In the early mornings id hear him crying in the washroom of our old house about how we're in debt and how he feels as if hes to blame. 

Nobody is ever home, and the craziest thing is, i dont really want them to be.

After this summer ill be in highschool, ill be 15, ill be able to leave my house by myself. I want to go on long bus rides, I want to find an escape. Ill find a door that leads to nowhere, but that nowhere is my paradise, right? For now that door will lead to nowhere because I dont know where I want to go, but i know what i want to be. I want to be an English teacher who encourages and cheers on her students, I want to be a shoulder people can cry on, I want to fix myself, I want to be a better muslim, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better person overall. I want to grow out of these habits, I want somebody to remember me in the best way. I want to be loveable, I want to be on my own, I want to be good.

Thank you for reading, have a good night, I hope youre happy