I don't wanna go to school, i just wanna break the rules

School is starting back in basically 1 week. I'm going to be a senior, which honestly I didn't think i would live this long? If that makes sense? I guess I am still pretty young even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I feel like I've wasted my time and my life is going to be over when I graduate. That's what were told over and over again, isn't it? Life sucks after highschool. Everything after is just work. (Never mind that most people I know have been working since age 14.) Enjoy it while you can, it flies by, you'll spend the rest of your life missing it and wishing you could be young again. 

Personally, I don't understand. You have to keep living anyway, why not enjoy it? Why spend 70 years reminiscing over 4 years when you were broke, stupid, and under the limitations of your age and your parents? Is having to pay bills really that bad? On the other hand, I do just want to stay young. Why are girls in songs always seventeen? They only want you when you're seventeen. The life, or maybe the mind or soul, of a teenage girl is seen as something that is just sooooo poetic and beautiful. I don't understand. Is it some kind of weird virginity-purity-pristine-and-untouched kind of thing? I don't feel poetic or beautiful at all. But maybe I'm being poetic and beautiful right now, blogging on my computer and complaining about my life when no one will see, in my room yelling into the void with my commonapp essay open in another tab. But anyone can blog. Anyone can complain and say something meaningful and vapid at the same time. Anyone can gaze longingly into the distance, lost in their own self-centered, egoistic melancholy. Anything that a teenage girl can do, a college girl can do it too. Right? When I'm away from home and have more freedom, I'll be happier. Right? People clap at graduations for a reason- it's not like you take your diploma and drop to the ground like a plump fig. Right? 

I don't know why I'm saying this now. I still have an entire school year left. Graduation is still a long way away, college and 'real adulthood' even further than that. It's not like I don't want to leave. I hate my school. I hate waking up at 6 am, almost getting in a wreck at 7:15, watching a fight at 7:30, writing essays and pop quizzes and scantrons and DBQs and shooter drills and eating half baked pizza and liking it because I don't have lunch until 1:30 and the school cops yelling at someone and getting squished by the sweaty, unshowered masses walking down the hallway and doing it all over again the next day. But that makes it sound completely unbearable, which it isn't. Most people I actually like, even people I wouldn't call my friends. Even people I might call an enemy. I feel like I can see good in most everyone- I don't want to lose that as I get older. I don't want to be cynical, jaded adult who complains about everyone. I don't want to get stuck in a fixed view of the world. I don't want to become okay with things that are wrong. I don't want to think I'm better than other people because of what I do or don't do in life. What scares me is sometimes I see this in myself already sometimes, a nagging voice that seeps in sometimes like a roach crawling underneath the door. I don't want that to become me. I want to....stay gold? Like Ponyboy? At the end of the day, there's nothing original about this notion. At the end of the day, it's night, and all the stars look just about the same. There are millions of stars in the galaxy. Does a star, surrounded by void, think it's special? Does a star know that, in spite of its miracle, its thousands of miles of flame and bright light, it is but one of billions identical?  

I didn't mean to write an essay/rant sorry