Life gets better :)

tw: mental health talk, stalking

Two years ago when I started my account I was at the lowest point in my life. Deep into my depression, feeling hopeless and having no motivation despite being on all these medications. Leaning into the worst kind of short term relief if it meant feeling in control for a little bit. 

Things changed a lot since then. 

To begin with, I dropped out of school - Not a great start, I know. I was being stalked and could not handle the anxiety that came with leaving my house. People kept sending me threats and I got doxxed three times in two months. But dropping out was a start, a first step. 

My mother got a job at a different country, so we impulsively decided to sell everything we had and leap into this opportunity. It was the hardest thing I ever did, especially when I had to say goodbye to my pets (they are staying with a friend, don't worry!!) But we needed this. It was not safe for us to stay where we were.

I lived with a friend for two months as the company only covered my mother's ticket. While I stayed with her, I made some money off art commissions to help around the house. I will forever be grateful for her and her dad's kindness and for welcoming me in a harsh time. 

I was hired two months later and was able to fly in to see my mother again. We lived in this shabby studio apartment near a farmers market that was barely big enough to fit both of us, but the feeling of security and freedom that we had was more than enough. 

Working and living in a country where you don't speak the language was, and is hard. You don't understand anything and the loneliness of being a first generation immigrant hits you when you least expect it. I miss my family, my pets, and my friends everyday - but I know I couldn't stay. 

Eventually I could save up enough money to finish my studies online, getting my diploma after so long... It felt like a victory. A small one, but it still meant a lot to me. 

After a few months we moved in with my mom's now fiance. I was a little reluctant when I first met him, especially since I've had issues trusting new people after the whole stalking situation, but eventually I came to realize he is one of the sweetest and most genuine people I have ever met. He would bring us food whenever we did not have enough to eat, and even paid my mother's first rent when she could not afford it. 

My first birthday here was weird. It had been almost a year since I arrived, and turning 20 in a place I wasn't familiar with felt wrong. I spent the entire day in bed scrolling on tinder (please don't judge me, I needed to meet friends my age and I worked with boomers) until I matched with this girl who, spoiler alert, turned out to be my future girlfriend and soon to be fiancee :)

Things kept improving slowly. I had a stable income and could get out of bed without dreading for the end of the day. I had the most amazing girl next to me, lived in a nice apartment with me new found family, and two adorable little cats we picked off the street. 

I was able to travel and go to concerts I dreamed off when I was younger, and even met some of my long online friends. Even now when I think about this I can't help but feel a little emotional. Two years ago I felt like there was no way out of my personal hell, that I could never recover and become someone I could be proud off. But now looking back I can see how strong I was to get back up and fight for my will to live. 

Right now, I have a trip coming up to my hometown!! My girlfriend is coming with me to meet my family, and we are going to bring my cats home :) I have missed everyone so much and I cannot wait to see them again. 

This was long, but my point is... Things do get better. They might not be perfect, but there is always a way out. All we need to do is believe, even if just a little bit. And if you won't, I will believe in you :)

Thanks for reading <3 
xoxo