15.Dec 2021 ♡ Temperance

I've just been skipping school the past 2 days for mental health, but the past few days I've also been feeling like I've been giving into bad habits, or not living in a way that makes me happy. I feel like the past week I've really been living on anxiety and this kind of feeling of helplessness, I've just been waiting, because if I understood correctly, things are going exactly as it should. But I just feel like what 'm doing right now should be more, that I shouldn't let life toss me around and act like I am under the worlds influences. Idk if it's just a mentality but I feel like I have no energy but also like my head is in the wrong space and that my energy isn't being executed correctly. I keep saying stuff like yoga and working out would help me but I'm just for the life of me not doing it. "I don't want to do it because the floor is dirty, the mat moving arond is extremely annoying and tedious and I hate if I can't be fully present in it because then it's overwhelming my executive function so having to take care of these small annoying things along with working out then I can't focus".........

Let me learn to be thankful or be able to feel appreciation even for things that don't exist in my current reality in this second (kopfkino fr).

I just feel really overwhelmed or like I'm not good enough regarding school and it just feels very hard to even get started on school work. It feels like alot. I don't feel good writing these things honestly, I'm just blowing things out of proportion, but why can't I just lean back into my state of being without having a tight grip on everything. I'm tired of being tense, i wish to just be able to trust my body and that it doesn't default into trying to self sabotage as  default when I'm on autopilot mode (blowing my tasks out of proportion for example, wanting to stay in my comfort zone). Do I always have to be in control of everything and have an overview of everything? It's really tiring.

I need to find this perfect balance of putting in effort and not, because for all my life I've been living on 2 extremes, perfect productive success or complete utter blob.

Some wisdom I extrated from sport class is that in order to improve or just stay consistent with your stamina when it comes to just moving your body is to always put in a little bit more effort than you're comfortable with, but where you could still breathe properly and sometimes my bus stops at the bottom of the hill and I have to walk up. I tried doing that, not walking so I'm comepltely comfortable but so I feel a bit of pain or kind of tension in my body, but only to the extent that I could consistently have in the same speed. I need to do that for my life to, for that I'd need to define when I'm making myself a bit uncomfortable but only to the point where I can keep that pace.

I think if i talked it out with a friend or if i found this kind of fill out list to figure out how to input and execute things correctly I'd be just fine, I need to incorperate my values in this too so I always have a reason to keep doing these things. (not going back to being a blob)

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♫wo qui non coin - aoi tada