Feeling of emptiness

I really don't mind dumping this since that's the purpose of my blogs, so I'll be direct since this is more of some kind of diary.

I don't know if there's more people that feel like this that may see this anyways. For the past 4-5 years lack of emotions have become normal for me, it's been a long while since I felt an emotion such as sadness, I watch people around me feel loudly, cry, freak out, get mad, have fun, yet I don't feel most of that.

the only emotion I feel is anger, I get mad all the time living in a place where no one seems to care about how I feel and don't want me to express myself properly, the only thing I have is drawing and music, but for my anger that's not enough most of the time, constantly feeling like I'm not living in the same space as others has become normal to me, I feel like I live somewhere else, where I feel nothing other than anger.

I don't know how to deal with this, I don't get any kind of support, I don't seek it either way, my only comfort is writing/drawing how I feel and simply listening to melodies that comfort me or make me feel close to something, I feel like every day this get worse, having to smile at people's jokes which I don't even find funny, following my "friends" around like a lost puppy just to not look like a loner in a place where people as such are seen as freaks, and where I'm scared to be alone and feel abandoned, I don't feel any kind of affection for them whatsoever, simply people I hang out with when years ago I felt a connection to them.

I don't feel lonely, I don't feel sad, I don't feel broken or anything as such, I feel like I'm not living my life truly, just existing in the same place with a monotonous routine of bedrotting and arguing to the point I don't even eat. I don't eat, I don't talk to anyone, not even my own family sees me for days for being inside my room.

Maybe I'll continue writing about this here, maybe I won't write about this anymore, or just not write at all, I dont know, but either way it was nice to let this out.