idk what to do </3

[fri 25 jul, 23:20]

OHHHH MY GOD MY ENTIRE RANT GOT DELETED AGAIN. THE APP JUST CLOSED RANDOMLY. im even more mad.

today was interesting. me and my mom went out with a friend of hers. it was pretty fun. we went to the mall and i bought myself some cool new tshirts and a jacket. we then went to a nearby restaurant. i ate pretty good! my moms friend shows me her granddaughter that she thinks would be good for me. she is really pretty and looks like a nice person. she even called me cute!... but theres one big problem. i'm gay 😬. i can't bring myself to like her that way. i could like her as a friend, but not anything more than that. of course, i cant tell anyone that, especially not her or my moms friend, theyre evangelical so you can only image what they would think... i feel trapped in a way. idk what to do now. and i also feel so bad because if i was straight i would totally be interested in her, and i know any straight person would be, but im just not... i dont want to disappoint anyone, but i also want to stay true to myself. i dont want to come out yet, but i also dont want to fake any feelings or god forbid fake a relationship. all of this is happening while im still thinking about lucky too. turns out, the insta break i took was immediately reversed when i looked at "4+ messages". he sent me like 47483836 reels ... also did i tell u?! guess where he f*cking was while he was gone. HE WAS IN MF PORTLAND. WHAT?? so u mean to tell me all of my heartache and bitterness was.. because he went travelling again??? can the sun just explode already < /3. i feel extra bad now because im being presented with a perfectly fine woman, yet im still thinking about some stupid nerd who barely cares about me. why am i like this. why cant i just be normal? whatever. i am grateful that she finds me cute and stuff but... why cant lucky find me cute... bye this is so corny and sounds so stupid. but just imagine, youre given a nice cookie. its a really nice flavour, freshly baked... its just that you don't like that flavour. youve tried it in the past and you just havent liked it that much. and then you see your favourite flavour out in a store somewhere. you press up against the glass, eyes fixated on the cookie. youve wanted to try it your entire life. youve only been given samples here and there, but never a full box. yeah, you would appreciate someone giving you the other cookie, and objectively it is a very nice cookie, but you just dont like that flavour. you know what you like. i hope this makes it a bit more clear...

thats all for today. i hope things can get better.