My brain was leaking out my ears, daily declarations - 07252025

My brain was leaking out my ears. I watched as wisps of flesh danced along the distant pavement in the summer's unrelenting heat, the sun's blinding death ray so strong the pavement bubbled and cracked below my feet. June in Midtown is particularly dreadful: long days where the shade seems to be everywhere you aren't, and sleepless nights where the legs out in the streets are just as restless as the ones that stayed home, becoming cruel and vindictive characters in the solipsistic minds of every pedestrian barreling down the sidewalk.

That's a snippet of something I wrote about the feeling of this summer and really all the summers since I started going to college. I can't wait to go back. I don't have really any friends from high school anymore other than one, and it doesn't feel good seeing them anymore. My high school friends walk on eggshells around me, refusing me my dignity by keeping the truth from me, because of who I once was when we were younger. I'm tired of feeling bad about it, they don't know me, but leaving shouldn't feel so difficult even when the feeling's mutual. I failed to compartmentalize my life and now everybody swirls in a great big cloud behind me.

This all makes it sound a lot more sinister than it really is, I just don't like problems I can't control and people airing my business. I'm sick of feeling bounded to these low-vibration people. The solution's quite simple when people have made it clear they don't really want you around: leave and do something better. I am not asking for forgiveness. I have a life at college that is substantially better than anything I've ever had, but it's hard not lapsing into old behaviors when I'm back home. Now that I don't have high school, I have to figure out how I'm going to make new friends which is something I've never really had to think about.

I still have other friends in New York, I just don't see them very often. It's always nice to meet new people and have more friends.