Evan Returns and Talks About University Fears (TMI as always)

First off, it's GREAT to be back. I've had this account for about 4 years now (which means I've had this account since high school). I don't know what discouraged me to stop being on here, but now that I'm starting uni, I realized that having my own space on the internet away from the people I know from my real life might help me get more of my feelings out,,,,sometimes being perceived isn't for me, sorryy. And I'm just thankful that you guys are here, whoever's reading this.

So! I still don't know what university has in store for me. The fact that I got into the best university system in THE COUNTRY feels unreal to me. I did all that?? A part of me still feels like I'm inadequate to even be in college,,,I feel like I'm still too stupid and sheltered :,)) but I am a firm believer that things will turn out okay and I will get through this because I am crazy and will work hard out of pure spite.

I'm currently taking up Bachelor of Science in Anthropology. an absolute BEAST of a degree. I can't wait for fieldwork and research to mess up both my brain and wallet. I've always wanted to take up this course, even though I am confident that i will NOT come out of this degree unscathed....but I think this path will be the closest I'll get to whatever I want for the future (surprise, I didn't even anticipate even living this long, now I gotta make shit up on the fly about what I wanna do). 

Okay for fears....

How do you cope with feeling not-enough in uni?

To be fair, this has been a constant feeling that I've had ever since I could remember. Not a day in my life where I thought that I'd consider myself outstanding,,,,I just kinda viewed myself as replaceable and in the background. But college is a different ballpark. I'll be surrounded by people who are much much more different than me (much more different than before...), and with a university that has their students on such high regard? I might just force myself to the edge more than I already do.

How about my social life? How do I even act in uni?????

A lot of people, mostly adults in my life would describe me as someone who has a 'sunny disposition'. It's bizarre to me because I just don't,,,,feel?? that way most of the time. It's always beyond me that people see me as collected and chill - I literally am shadowboxing my brain every single day. Right, I am not so good at making conversations, small talk. It's really hard for me to make friends, I almost always give off that impression that I am a strange guy (I am :'))). General consensus for comments people around my age would be 'actually nice to talk to but kinda weird and unusual' which is okay...I guess, but the thing is that I want people to feel like I am a welcoming person (which I am slowly inching and trying to be).

That's all (for now), I wish I could get the answers for my own questions soon, I really want to carve a good college life for myself.

byeeeee^__^

- evan

also uploading my thoughts on the new hayley+paramore, tyler releases soon! if you care :3