Hello! five months later...

Well this post is just an out there post, telling myself if I ever remember what is going on in my life as of right now

Education: I graduated HS, early and I'm free! I'm very happy about it but nervous for the future. AAMI hasn't gotten my transcript because of the careless guidance counselors and mailing it will take too long and you'll miss the deadline, so we're crossing our fingers that the email will work (thank you Ms. Yewchuck). I'm slowly starting to lose hope though and I know it will destroy my esteem, graduating early just to start college late, my fear of failure will never go away. I'm going to call them tomorrow to see if there's any update, I hate calling them so much it makes me feel annoying I don't want them to think I am, I'm just very determined. Good luck? 🤞 

Work: Still unemployed, there's nothing here for me in this middle of nowhere town, I'm trying to apply but no call backs, I did submit an application for Jeff Bank which is not even a two minute walk from my home! I hope I get he job that would be so ideal. I hope I'm not stuck here forever, I couldn't live another second trapped here.

Romance: He and I aren't anything anymore, the effort stopped coming and I know it's because he's busy but it he really wanted to he would, I don't understand? We still talk from time to time and I curve his sexual advances (like is he fr?). But by default we're just friends, not like we ever were anything. I mean I'm not even interested in being with anyone anymore, Idk if it's because of him or my inability to make strong connections, or the fact I get bored of everyone so easily or the guys I choose to talk to (ykwim). I hope I don't go back to him, I don't even want kids! I hope he doesn't become my Strane.

Social life: non-existent, I've been in my bed day in, day out stressing over school to even want to do anything, I don't even play games with my friends! I'm going to Belle's birthday party the 13th? I already missed 2 of my closest friend's birthdays and I feel so selfish and worthless over it. My birthday is coming soon and I don't feel anything about it. I just know I'm gonna cry, like every year, it's really pathetic but it's the loneliest I feel. I want to find happiness, like skating in that empty lot again, I still haven't gone even though I tell myself I will. Good news, I'm driving again, and soon I'll be able to get my license, it feels good to be free.

Side note: I think a lot about Mr. Raabe, he made a really big impact on me and was the first time I've had such joy and happiness in my school life and the most happy I've been to go to a class (I still don't know how I passed economics lol). I'm so angry at myself for not getting his information before I graduated and he retired, not he's in North Carolina, and I know I'll never see him again, I never even said goodbye. I'll miss him so much.