Getting Pseudo-Philosohpical or Something (7/24/2025)

I am going to preface this with a bit of a trigger warning because I am about to mention some topics that may trigger emotional reactions and also to say that I am kind of mid-breakdown so if any of this rant comes off as untoward I apologize but I'm am kinda feeling everything right now and I haven't written it yet but I know it will start to spiral at some point. 

Now that that is out of the way I will get into what I really came on here to write about. A girl I knew from my school killed herself, not going to beat around the bush and just tell it straight about what is happening. I didn't know her well, she was maybe in one of my classes but overall, I couldn't pick her out of a lineup. This isn't to say I don't care though, this is a terrible thing and I am extremely sad for her and her family and friends, especially because I know people who knew her much more than I did. However what started to strike me and make me think was the general, overall reaction from everyone. Not to say grieving isn't allowed, it very much is, but this is more about the jump that everyone makes when something like this happens. 

I personally think that this situation was far more focused on than it should have been. The way it was handled and stretched feels almost intrusive if I am being honest. Currently, my marching band is holding Band Camp, which for those not invloved in the activity is a 2 week long period where we have practice every day, all-day and just go over music and learn a bunch of stuff. Today, following lunch, our band director held an assembly (which I did miss because I ate lunch in a more secluded spot but I am not going to get into that because that will turn into a rant, lets just say the past 2 weeks have been some of the worst of life in terms of emotions and social aspects), but I caught the tail end of it. I had already known about her passing, because as I said I other people who I knew were close with her. But, this assembly rubbed me the wrong way, because it seemed to almost televise her death in a way, for a lack of a better description. It told everyone, even those who didn't know about it or have any connection, what had happened and her name, which to me seems kind of wrong. I understand the sentiments in a few ways, because this is a terrible thing, but it also led into the same speech they give anytime something like this happens, which is the "Remeber someone here will always help you." and the "Always be kind because you never know." speeches. These aren't harmful, but to me seemed superficial especially considering my own experiences. 

Reading it now, I think I will have to get into my situations over the past 2 weeks to really hammer in the motivations behind the point I am trying to make. First though, I am going to be transparent and say that I have history and my own battles with self-harm, and tried to purposely overdose at the ripe age of 11. This is a topic I am well-versed in and understand many of the intricacies of it. I still struggle with it, and the ways I have SH have changed and morphed and its something that I don't think you can truely ever shake or get away from. One day ago, I reverted to one of the first forms that it ever materilized as for me, which was cutting, so this was already on the forefront of my mind when I heard about it, and it kind of made me retreat even farther into myself than I already had as of a result of the past 2 weeks. 

The easiest way to put what had happened to me in the past 2 weeks, would just to say that almost everyone around, mostly people I had thought to be friends, started to repeatedly just, be mean. Anything I said was rebutted or dismissed with a cold demenour that I couldn't mistake as just my imagination. I have never been one to really fit into a group completely, I am usually used to feeling a little awkward even if it was a group that I had been around for months, but this was different. I felt not just on the fringes of a group, but as I was being pushed out. I would try to talk to people and it wouldn't lead anywhere and every time I left worse than before. After a week of this, I started to snap. I started to become pissed off honestly, because whenever I said anything, be it a joke, suggestion, or even just some type of sentence, it was met with hostility and it honestly just doesn't feel good. I started to snap at people after the comments, which I know was wrong and didn't help but I couldn'tdo anything to stop how I was feeling and I just had no one to talk to about it, and even my usual coping methods didn't help. What then really pushed me over the edge was after my snap, one of the people I considered my best friends, sent me a series of text messages which amounted to basically her calling me a bitch and saying that I was ruining her rehearsal and that any time she wasn't with me she was happy. This was someone who I had trusted heavily, and who I had an extreme amount of vulnerability with and had had conversations about over mental health, challenges, self-harm, and my own diagnosis with bipolar II when I had gotten it. Even when I tried to apologize and lay out the challenges I had been having, and how she had been treating me, it didn't seem to really affect her, and basically said to "stop making her feel bad" because she didn't remember treating me bad at all and that I just needed to stop. Which just, it doesn't feel great when you try to understand someones viewpoint and are met with someone who won't do the same for you. (Sorry but it also makes me angry because she boasts about emotional maturity, but can't accept her own actions and it just makes me pissed.) 

Now, why this is all relevant is because now today, they laid out all of this stuff about paying attention to how your actions affect other people and noticing changes in people and being an open space. When I felt the exact opposite for the ENTIRETY of band camp. This just shows me how superficial these talks are, because the people that are saying it aren't living it. I just ate lunch, snack, and spent every break alone for this entire week. 10 hours every day, surrounded by people constantly and just being constantly dismissed and treated badly, and they start talking about being kind to everyone and never letting someone be alone. I feel like I only have one real friend right now, because she has also been on the recieving end of this treatment this week as well but she's away right now, and so I truely feel so alone. This led to me just going off the rails yesterday, and partaking in some things that may not be the best for my health, but a way for me to get my mind off of it and not feel, if only for one night, but honestly just led to numb and mindless breakdown that invloved SH as I mentioned above. I woke up this morning and just felt so empty, and could barely get myself out of bed to go to band, and led to me being late. I just really didn't want to go because I knew it would make me feel worse than I already did. I got there and just focused on the music and drill, and doing what I had done for most of the week, which was keep to myself and trying not to cry near constantly. 

Bottom line I think is, people pretend to care, which I wish it wasn't true, but they really do not actually take being kind to others seriously. Which is sad, because I really try to, I always try to be nice to others, even when I may not personally like them or if I am not feeling great myself, because being mean is not helpful to you or them, and I kind of wish others followed that philosophy, and didn't just try to make themselves believe that they do. 

Alright thats the end, be kind everyone and it was nice to talk this out and think it over, even if it ends of a more sad note.