I miss my baby. - Vent

April twenty-fourth of this year, roughly around ten PM. That was when I would never see my baby again. She got outside while in heat. I wasn't too worried since she had done the same thing before in a different neighbourhood. She came back by morning. She's managed to get out many times before and after that, always back after a few hours at most.

Pia hasn't come back in three months now. Or 91 days. Or 13 weeks.

...

Too long.

I had her for only a bit over two years, yet, in that timespan she had stolen my heart and still has it with her wherever she is. Every time im reminded of her I have to hold back tears. Today is different though. Today I can't hold them back. I'm sobbing as I write this.

I love... Loved.... My baby so much. She was my everything. The most important thing in my life. Yet now, I don't even know if she's alive. 

Pia was the best pet I've ever had. The best kid. The best friend. The best therapist. The best cuddle buddy. The best comfort. The best sound, feel, sight, and smell. The best hug. The best warmth. She was my whole world. But now I'm never getting my world back.

Nothing has ever affected me so harshly after losing. Not my own siblings. Not my ex. Not seeing my great grandmothers lifeless body. Not even my entire want to live. All of that I could forget so easily. But even after three months, I find myself wanting to break down at even the utterance of the word "cat". I've never gotten how grief was such a big deal. Not until I lost Pia.

Before, I could stay hopeful and believe she would come back one day. But now, we're moving. Too far for her to ever find me again. If there was even a chance... And I don't know how to cope with it. I've never had to live with this feeling before. One of the first few nights she went missing, I was desperate to feel her laying on my chest again. So I had grabbed my weighted stuffed animal.

It wasn't the same. Nothing ever will be. If I were put in a room with everything I had ever lost, Pia would be the only thing I would truly care about finding. The only thing I would hug tightly and never let go of again.

You don't have to open these links, but I thought I should share some of my memories of her.

The last photo I took of her: https://ibb.co/qM8Qf9j0

The last video: https://vimeo.com/1103998727?share=copy

My favourite photo: https://ibb.co/5x4t1MJv

My favourite video: https://vimeo.com/1103999390?share=copy

The moment I fell in love with her: https://ibb.co/bMy5Mkqf