Therapist and anti semitism

I’ve been talking to my therapist and bit (anti semitism and my bf) being a topic that comes up frequently. I haven’t opened up about anything really to anybody, I don’t have Jewish friends or anybody in my similar position to help me. So this blog is all I have. 

My therapist sometimes asks me if I want a Jewish partner or a non Jewish partner that understands me. The thing is, I’ve talked to groypers on my TikTok, discord etc and so far I’ve done a good job at spotting them. It seems like ML types have engaged in anti semitism that feels similar to the type of stuff I hear from Groypers. It feels frustrating to get people denying right wing anti semitism those are really bad since I know those people don’t like me, on the other hand people denying left wing anti semitism frustrates me and what’s worse is they claim to like me. Seeing people defend Jews using zog and claiming this guys Jewish and he used it while ignoring that most Jews find zog anti semitic. 

I get that anti semitism isn’t always easy to spot for some or many, it seems like it’s blurry because of people criticizing Israel and being called anti semitic. The word kapo is one that comes to mind, an ugly word that yes I’ve used before to describe certain Jews but it’s one that is insulting when you’re the Jewish person on the receiving end. Instead the people at Jewish left have suggested we call those Jews ones with internalized anti semitism, problematic opinions that the vast majority of Jews find anti semitic, its long but its way less hurtful than calling a Jewish person a kapo. I know when I get called that I get pissed off. On the other hand what’s obvious anti semitism to me and non Jews it’s frustrating when your partner doesn’t see it. Maybe I just need to accept that not everything is as obvious to some, and agreeing to disagreeing on that. 

With the whole anti semitism thing I try to be desensitized to it but it’s hard when family brings up anti semitism and is concerned about your safety. You’re trying to but react to it but your family doesn’t help when they bring up some anti semitic incident and you’re sitting there like can I not hear about this. I already know this exists and hearing bad stories just makes everything worse and depressing. 

My therapist sometimes asks me what if I have kids, or I have somebody in the Jewish forum asks me when I decide I want kids how would conversations about anti semitism go, would he be concerned or be passive about it. The thing is I know my bf cares, it’s just not the same kind of caring that others in my forum get like (finding out what’s going on in my community, or having the same frustration and anger at anti semitism as their partner) I’m not expecting that at all, the people at Jewish left (it’s a big tent there) noticed that our conversations don’t seem healthy puts stress on me. 

I don’t have this problem with others and I think it’s how we talk to each other, nobody is using the political conversations sheet like we should. I think that doing that would help me out a lot. Maybe when anti semitism is brought up listen and express disagreement/bring up how you understand where I’m coming from and have understanding of the thought process while not agreeing. I think the yelling and name calling get us nowhere and it makes me worried how worse it would be in person. My parents hear it and I want my parents to like my bf but idk I'm getting stressed just thinking about this. 

I feel like I have more to say but idk what else to say but I do feel bad for not bringing up details of my situation with my bf, I don’t want the conflict or yelling or I choose to hide and vent elsewhere. Sometimes I wish I had my regular therapist and a Jewish one to help me when things are rough. I’ve done hotlines and others crying and just stressed out in general and it sort of helps but it doesn’t really help like it should. My Jewish therapy group hardly contacts me so that’s out I wish I could just have someone that will just say I hear you, I’m listening just vent to me. Being mixed is rough, my Asian identity wasn’t attacked quite like this and I know why cough cough Israel but still I guess I need someone to just reassure me I’m not alone or maybe I want something deeper idk. If I'm saying something is anti semitic I would appreciate if you asked me what makes it anti semitic to me, I get being skeptical and not wanting to trust me I would appreciate if you would listen to me and if you don't agree you don't agree. I get that anti semitism can be weaponized and it's bad when it does happen when I am adamant that something is anti semitic and you don't trust the people in my community who see it as anti semitism and I get that as an outsider you won't notice or pay attention to it, but people in my community experience it or see this stuff I get not knowing, educating yourself a little bit would help here.

I do want to make it clear that I love my partner and he’s great even with the hate he gets for how he’s treated me and the names he’s called me I just wish I had someone to vent to and support to make it easier at times. Those people don’t know my bf so I know with the messages in the past I know my bf comes across as being abusive and mean and anti semitic with the you people comment but I know he’s great.